; balance lost

Thursday, November 30, 2006 @10:16 AM

Pam will attempt to use proper punctuation in her posts from this day forward.

Mother goose is finally back in Singapore, along with ate berlyn. It's only been a little more than a week, but somehow it feels so much longer. Unwillingly handed the kitchen back to them today. ):
I have to admit, taking charge of all the housework was quite an inspiring experience.
I thought I understood what my mom was going through. Now I finally know how little i knew.
Getting up early to prepare breakfast/ turn on the heater all that. Then getting the family to wake up so they wont be late for their things. Getting glared at for waking them up too early/too late.
Mummy i kowtow to you man.

The fun part comes when we're all alone, quietly scrubbing the wash or even just sitting and listening to the washing machine spin the clothes.. and oh man, ironing. The water swishing around in the iron, and the steam washing over your face. Express facial. Putting things lying around to their proper places.
It makes you feel so at peace, so in control. It gives you time to take your mind off everything else, you know, just focus on getting the crease to disappear, or waiting for the stew to produce its first bubble.
It's really very good, very meditative. And I dont think I'll want anyone else to help me do housework when I grow up and stay away from home.

I used to find it lame everytime my mom asked me to make her something nice to drink, ask her about her day, turn on the tv for her. Sometimes it seemed more convenient for her to do all these small things herself, or for us to talk about things another time when I had nothing to do. Now, after going through a little of what she's always been going through for a while, I feel bad that she even had to ask for me to do all these small things for her.
Then, what she asked for seemed too much. The way she reacted to things seemed too bombastic. But it was only because people like me didn't show her enough appreciation. That's why she felt so angsty. ):

Sometimes it's just so nice to have someone else take notice of your small, almost insignificant needs. Cos then you feel important, at least to that person. I guess the smallest gestures hold the most strengthening power. hahaha. Did something for my junior and gave it to her on musical evening. She's one of those small gesture people in my life. I think she has always been that way, since i met her back when she was in p5? Quite sad that i'm only starting to appreciate her now. Just lucky i didn't drain her out with my insensitivity all this while.

I was so happy today, when i woke up to find that somebody made breakfast for me. And prepared my toothbrush. XD So happy so happy I tell you, I was grinning so widely over my mug like as if it just fed me 1000 christmas candies. All through the past week, I had always been the one making breakfast for the two guys before they left for work, then getting too busy with the morning chores that I couldn't be bothered to do anything for myself. It's times like these when small things people do really start to mean so damn much. When Rachel fed me lunch the other day before we left for st pats, it really cheered me up. Like as in, really. haha.
And it's not all about food.
Emme helped me get my shoes off the shoe rack while i was closing the band room door, and really i was quite touched. HAHA. you'd think i'm deprived of concern or something. But no lah, i'm just giving thanks that God gave me such good friends.

Just yesterday, I thought, I must have done something really terrible as a kid to be suffering such a fair bit now. Maybe I gave people a lot of pain. lol I dont know man, have I hurt you? If I have, you must tell me okay. And i'll try to unhurt you. :l

I kinda knew that nicky wouldn't be falling over himself to thank me for finishing his ontraalto score in one night. But it still felt quite bad when it happened. Probably cos of other things that happened yesterday. Like the Bb tone deterioration reminder by caspar the ever neh ghost. Which I think I really needed. Too caught up with band camp preparation and everything, almost forgot about this problem.

Pam can make it okay.

Lord, pls give me strength.
generousity has more to it that what it actually means
its not about money
but rather giving in until it hurts.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006 @2:55 AM

the skies darkened ominuously. little droplets of rain started to pour as brobdingnickynag loomed over me. "here."
i stared at what he had handed me. it was just 6 pieces of paper folded in half, but it felt so heavy.
i hesistantly unfolded the papers.

omg. it was it.
IT.
IT!!
(rachmaninoff, to transpose)
i vainly attempted to hide my fear, and asked nicky to put the scores in my bag.
it'll be a piece of cake, i thought.
pam never says die. right?!
my ass.
here i am sitting in front of the computer like a bloody owl, 3 am in the morning
and i'm at variation 26, and there are 33 variations in all
and i have 6 hours to finish the last 7 variations, considering i dont sleep.

damn you rachmaninoff you biggest mknn of the (previous) century, did you have to write so many variations?! even what's his name... PAGANINI also not so longwinded.

maybe if i used pencil and manuscript and write out the transposition, not so bad. but i'm using finale to do it, so nicky doesn't have to squint to decipher my towgays.
and finale, i tell you
is
one
massive
piece of smelly brown disintegrating ew.
i took half a bloody hour to successfully apply one pathetic crescendo.

and oh my marder, talk about putting in the staccatos. my index finger seriously doesn't feel like a part of me anymore. wonder if there's a waiting list for prosthetic fingers in pakistan.. ):

i can preserve my sanity..
i can refrain from swearing too much before i learn how to drive..
i can be wide awake during band later..

yah man i'd give anything to be alert. :l
and not go back to phoo ing like a girl again.

hmm.

0405: why so many weird words. unpoco vivocity. piu vivocity. lentol soup. andan-tinnoed sardines. l'itesso tEMpO.
0442: somebody give me a neck massage....
0523: i finished 32nd movement! (:

0536: :D!!

ehhh shit. dont know how to send this to the printer.

Saturday, November 25, 2006 @10:45 AM

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I wish on a star that somewhere you are
thinking of me too

Wonder if you ever see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside
my contacts
Would you even care?
whether i have enough contacts solution? HMM?

cos i'm dreaming of you tonight
not tomorrow, i wont be holding you tight
cos there's nowhere in this world i'll ever be.
than here in my room, dreaming about you and me.

aww!

lol.
had quite a bit of fun mime-ing out this song with becky after band.
band hmm.
band.

band overdose.
band headache overdose.

now i'm starting to understand why my conductor says he hates to have to his waste time on admin matters.
i'm starting to see how it makes people so tired.
too tired to be dedicated to the music.
and how it makes the band so practical, so technical.
and so unfeeling sometimes.
not that i'm any less motivated. so nicky doesn't have to worry.

hmm. sometimes i'm so smart, i amaze myself. HA kidding la.
1. the only thing harder than admitting to a guy that you like him is admitting to him that you dont.
2. things that belong together will come together, and stay together. think inelastic collision.

but sometimes i wish i was so much wiser. that i could make important decisions without questioning myself soon after.
that i could make sense of so many things around me.
that i knew what to say to make you feel less bitter.
enough band.

ok how long has it been since i last did this?

I am: quite bored
My name is : Pamela Cuppucino Samalele.
Some people are just so: stupid.
I'm optimistic about: putting on enough weight to donate blood next year. 45 KG! YEAHH.
An event like this would traumatize me: everyone around me turning against me.
I yearn to: love. without having to feel so tired.
I'm jealous of: people who have more flesh than me. assholes.
I trust: you.
My intuition is usually: right.
One time, I spontaneously: ate some banana leaf. it was quite good.
I haven't had this feeling in a long time: needed.
I am proud of: my friends.
I would never be seen wearing: torn contact lenses.
The scariest dream I ever had was: also the happiest dream i had. cos someone told me the opposite of what you dream about will come true. AAAHHHHHH.
I am annoyed because: people annoy me.
I feel most beautiful when: i feel loved.
I could care less about: what someone thinks of me.
My favorite kind of movie is: dont make me embarrass myself. or all of you who watched ice age, madagascar, finding nemo, happy feet, flushed away, ice age2 etcetc with me.
oops.
I often get distracted by: music. people who play good music.
I am eager to: sit at the semi d during band camp in the middle of the night. i'll drag nicole/emmie/rachel along. just look up at the stars.
I'm glad that: i am where i am now. (:
I feel guilty about: making people unhappy.
This really hurts: ): don't want to talk about it.
I've finally made peace with the fact that: i'm not perfect. the world isn't perfect. nothing will be. and i shouldn't try too hard to perfect myself. yay pam.
I'm most talkative around: wahlao. why like that one.
I was so embarrassed when: HAHA. SO MANY. :$
One feeling I hate is: being lonely.
One feeling I love is: love.

try it.

Thursday, November 23, 2006 @11:51 AM

when you look out in the distance
you see it never was that far.
Heaven knows your existence
and leads you to be everything you are
there's a time for every soul to fly
it's in the eyes of every child
it's the hope, the love that saves the world

i'll never let it go.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006 @8:55 PM

Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

hmm.
it's gonna be alright soon.
pam's gonna be okay.

so.. i dont have to update littleseed blog anymore.
and this is the last happypill i'll ever need.

Monday, November 13, 2006 @8:41 PM

just a glow
is all that's left.

not sad at all.
just drained.

@7:53 PM

i just want to live.
is that too much to ask?

just as people give and get, pam;
forgive and forget, that's what you gotta do.
and dont ever question, what about me?
cos it'll never be about you.

you're just a resource
the start
of an endless food chain.
so remember this;
and don't question God why
ever again.

@12:09 AM

percussion senior mr cow moomoo said i was a good optimist.

haha.
optimist sia?

you think.

band freakism
broughtme6ftclosertoyourheart.
but it's just the same thing
that'stearingmeapart.

Friday, November 03, 2006 @10:26 PM

pray dot's cold sore gets better soon.
and that nobody who walked in the rain today gets sick.
and that glosz doesn't pissoff tomorrow.

Thursday, November 02, 2006 @6:21 PM

HAHA.
i was bored to tears.

You Are An INFJ

The Protector
You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience.You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them.
You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

What's" Your Personality Type?

must go take photos with jonathan one day.

Your Blogging Type is Unique and Avant Garde

You're a bit ... unusual. And so is your blog.You're impulsive, and you'll often post the first thing that pops in your head.Completely uncensored, you blog tends to shock... even though that's not your intent.You tend to change your blog often, experimenting with new designs and content.

What's" Your Blogging Personality?

LOL! you dont say.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006 @12:28 PM

brace yourselves, for journey you'll forget the minute it ends.
welcome onboard The Comical Train.

still remember the days they let me isolate myself with my instrument.
it was the the power of a pair of headphones, that kept me completely disjointed from the world for as long as i kept them on.
and there i'd sit, planting little towgays on manuscripts and arranging sequence after sequence. 'preparing my festival pieces.' yah right.
cant believe they were fooled, especially since they'd already seen me perform next yr's piece in public. but maybe they weren't. maybe all along, it's just been waiting.

an hour ago, i was walking around the house looking for something to busy my hands with.
there's a lot more to do. pictures to hang up. boxes to unpack. but how would i know what goes where? heck i cant even drill straight to save the world. so i looked at its keys, and wondered if my fingers still had the life in them.

i haven't lost it, but the diskdrive is dead. so i cant continue my work anymore.
truth is, that doesn't really mean a thing to me. since i withdrew myself from music school out of disinterest.

but as i sat there staring at the diskdrive blinking "eRRoR" at every poor diskette put in, i recollected one of those days, when the blinking used to catch me by surprise. when i'd look on in numbness, knowing the past few hours of compositions had turned into nothing more than a memory. that i'd easily forget the next day. and me being the me who gives in to setbacks, removed the headphones and reunited myself with the world around me.
there they were going about the usual drama, and i tried not to make a sound as i walked past the dining room to my room. closed the door, msged my bro, and started studying for o's.
that was the first night daddy grabbed his keys and walked out the house.

i thought we'd left all those memories in the old house. that we could start afresh here.
but no. it's been a slippery downslide since may. and all i can do is watch. smile. prepare.

i dont encourage penting up emotions.
and i'd be more than happy to comfort my sad friends.
to share the love, happiness that i cant really share anywhere else.
but when people emo to hurt others. i feel sick.
dadass gets mad, as if he just wants to see the skies turn colour at the snap of his fingers.
as if he's testing the control he has over the family's emotions. checking to see if he still held the reins to our worry, sadness, fear.
i tell you one day i'll really start that business that we girls in church have been planning to. and i'll earn enough to take up judo, and i'll grow a fist big enough to send you to the other end of the world. watch out okay, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

but.
quite unexplainably
some of my friends do have the power to make me really happy.
to make me find myself smiling over nothing in particular. lol. but i dont think they know.
i'm actually quite afraid that one day, people around me will realise that i'm not the perpetually crappy pam they know. and they'll be too tired to want to know what lies beneath the crappy exterior.

truth is, if i failed all my exams i wouldn't cry, if music was taken away from me i wouldn't die.
cos i'm a simple person.
i just want God's love to be shared in a circle that includes me.
and i want my friends to be happy.
that's all there is to know.
i have no reason to make myself any more intruiging. lol.

and alan, if you're reading. are you happy i put ur name in a blog that nobody reads! muaha.
thanks,
dont skive on sleep,
and get well soon (: