Thursday, October 06, 2005 @10:03 PM
i have got this sinking feeling. my hair is frazzled, my nose is wrinkled.
my eyebrows are perpetually conjoined, and i seem to have dupped my face in blusher.
why do i look so devastatingly different? let me enlighten you:
i am filled to the brim with irritability. i am irked by the rough combustion of unleaded petrol in speeding ahpekmotorcycles, the fish drinking so much water, sajc's report on today(yesterday), the square loudspeakers, the scratchy new towels, torn rubberbands, songs
ringing in my head.....
it's horribly tragic that i feel like strangling the computer for making THAT LOUD SOUND while it starts.
and it was worrying that i managed to stay squirming in my chair for some gazillion eons, while staring at the cooked pineapples. my parents finally gave me a look to tell me to act my age.
and i did.
on the surface.
and on the inside, i was praying that all the poor vitamins and minerals wouldn't feel wasted. how more insensitive can we get? cooking pineapples. that's probably as good as microwaving my brain. how could people be so inadequately trained to prepare savoury delights that barely nourish the body? senseless. eat dietary fibre, egest dietary fibre.
what do you absorb? water. then why don't we just put a tap in our mouths and get our dinner settled that way?
GIVE MY MOM A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.
...
i think i sound like a spoilt monkey in this blog. i'm sorry, i have no where else to choochoo my pent up emotions. (wahh. so drama) so tormented and shattered, i find this a place of solace, a calm and peaceful place to voice my woes and concerns, and to discover the sweetness that lies behind yet another layer of vicariousness.
ROARR. MORE DRAMA.
i'm gonna sleep la. the pillows will be ripped to shreds by tomorrow.
happy returns.
Sunday, October 02, 2005 @8:00 PM
i never did like books. but i didn't dwell upon that opinion as i studied, just so that revision could be productive.
and so towards and through prelims, the whole i hate to study thing just slipped away, and i began to depend upon studying to power my circle of life.
and now that prelims are over, and we're all not stressing each other up about how many revision cycles we've been through, i feel strangely disoriented.
as if we were suddenly stopped from exercising. or breathing. or anything that we do so often, almost subconsciously. it's like, you never know how good it is to twiddle your thumbs until you have no thumbs.
ok, so that was a bad example. but how else can i put it? i feel horrible when we're not all balding together, or when we're not talking about the last paper we had, or when we're not freaking out because we risk not getting a full score for an mcq paper.
plus we're between prelims and the getting back our results time of our lives, which technically means we're stuck in the time between stress and well, stress. and this whole laid back transition period is driving me completely insane.
somehow i'm feeling edgy maybe cos i'm immensely guilty about not studying, or that my desk is not in order, and that my files are piled up on it and not opened to a certain exercise to learn from, neatly laid in rows on the floor for easy reference. come to think of it, i hate that my room looks "unstudied". it just looks so unfamiliar and so very, very alien. incidentally my parents have stopped doing weird things to drive us up the wall, and my brother is back encouraging me to take some time off to rest and jam on the xbox and everything.
and my classmates are not worrying over doing an assignment in half the time allocated, or even in the same day! the pressure that built up so suddenly during prelims due to both studies and the family has just fallen away in the blink of an eye, and this whole sudden laid back thing is driving me up the wall!
do i sound deranged to you. like an ostracized study geek or something.
cos i pretty well feel the same way. but i couldn't possibly go up to any of my friends and blurt out these things that are floating on the surface of my thoughts, like pond scum.
it's probably just dirt, or rust, and hopefully it will be reduced away by some naturally occuring reducing agent. hEY maybe lightning will strike and combine the nitrogen in the air with the oxygen constituents in rust, and then we'll get pure iron that doesn't bind so readily to my brain, making my thoughts so rusty and warped.
okay, so i admit i'm a nutcase, that doesn't help in getting rid of the still thick layer of scum on the surface of my thoughts.
HELPPPPPP.
GOD HELP ME, I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE.
but if its Your will, i guess i'm not.
i'm losing it. dont come find me i'm not suicidal.
yet.
