Monday, October 30, 2006 @11:33 PM
less intellectual, and seriously screwed up.
today. i took a good look at my reflection in the window.
stared. scrutinized. cocked my head to one side.
and realised, oh dear. i could barely recognise myself.
today i was late for pw meeting cos i had lunch with my brother.
to talk.
about daddy ill treating mummy and mummy being sick of her whole life.
and daddy's materialism. misogynism. egoshit. all that
and him. whether he could really move away to the hostel room saf's giving him.
i used to have the capacity to swallow all this shit. forget all this nonsense. and enjoy myself at school. i used to be able to bring joy to others as well as myself, in the process.
but now, it's all a fascade. my life's a play. i'm a riot, but i myself am not amused. i dont know what's beneath the person i should otherwise be laughing with. i dont know her motive, her purpose. her loves. her hates. whether she really is as happy as she looks.
i dont. and this sucks like no shit you'd ever imagine. when you don't know who you are.
yesterday i passed my school tie to my maid.
ate berlyn, could you help me wash this? i want it to smell like softsil.i thought, since when i last washed the tie it didn't take more than 5 minutes, so she being the pro and everything would have it ready in a day. but today when i asked if i could use it tomorrow she said no, she had been too busy.
so i said, that's okay then i'll wash it myself. but she followed me all the way to the kitchen protesting, me refusing, she grabbing the tie, me saying it's okay give it come on, she yanking the tie away.
i mean seriously, it's just a tie for pete's sake. a screwed up tie with no life. let it rest.
and finally after she got the tie and told me to go do my own thing, i went back to my room.
then my mom stormed in and said. look at how you treat us. now she's crying, are you happy?
I MEAN, GOD. WTF?
how you treat US??! WHAT? US? WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?
and WHAT THE HECK DID I DO TO MAKE HER CRY? STEAL HER PRECIOUS LAUNDRY?
!??!(%$##*^&$#@!
i bet it wasn't even the tie's fault. it was just stupid asshole and all the mayhem but she couldn't say anything about it, and finally when the poor tie crossed her path she couldn't take it no more and blasted it with all her fire.
tell me this isn't what you consider majorly screwed. because if it is then i dont know what to term what i'm gonna say next.
recently, my dad's been like, the world's biggest imbecile. my mother has to serve his every mediocre need. unlock the door, wait up for him while he emo at east coast cos he didn't bring the key, listen to him scold her even if it's the rice cooker's fault for cooking rice so slowly.
this one really wth. she go toilet halfway also must come out and listen to what he wants next.
i seriously don't want to get married. what are the odds? they might all turn into daddies when they grow up. i dont want to have to come out of the toilet halfway to serve a temporarily and conveniently disabled asshole.
i'll break 2903817263 hearts, then i'll die an old happy hag.
i cant stand life anymore.
God, why are you so busy even for me. look at my life. LOOK. AT ME. WHAT IS THIS ):
why are you letting me hide behind this act i dont want to hide behind.
why did you let me into this family. where i do nothing but make my mom cry. make my dad scream and almost crash the car. make my maid think i dont care.
i pray. i talk to You. and halfway i look up to the sky, and wonder if you're even hearing me.
what do i mean to You, God?
do i mean nothing to You, too?
did You feel my sorrow when rachel made fun of the brownie i stayed up till 4am to make?
i bet You didn't.
or i wouldn't be in this state now. looking down on the sand around me, seeing just one lonely pair of footprints.
what?!
WHAT?!!
HAVE I BEEN PRAYING WRONGLY?
WHAT DID I DOOOOOOOO???!@#$#@%$#@&^%$#@#$
sigh.
