I'm having gp tuition on national day. Awesome way to celebrate the morning after band dinner. I loved english a lot as a little kid, so much so that I used to string complex expressions together, effectively freaking the teachers out because of how the poor language was mangled in every essay. I loved english because almost no studying was involved; and it gave me an excuse to rant using vivid imagination. And then I entered jc, and encountered gp, and started stoning in class and christening the tutor as the foremost bane of her students' existence. But thanks to Amos and his passion with manipulation, haha, my love for the language hasn't diminished; it's grown. I dont wish it was as easy as before anymore. GP rewards maturity, and there's nothing wrong with forcing a growth spurt out of our maturity over the short span of two years to prepare us for adult life. It is to our benefit.
Tone: Sanguine ie optimistic (possibly deluded)
It's a sad reality, that human nature is charactized by the need to feel and experience something to appreciate it. I can tell you that "strawberrywatermelon with one suan mei" juice is damn refreshing, but if you have never tried the concoction before you'll probably think that it's a disgusting drink only good for appeasing the cravings of a pregnant woman. Good will be nothing without the existence of evil, and ugliness wouldn't be a social stigma if nobody was pretty. Likewise, company will never be appreciated unless you know loneliness. But the good thing is: the more you've been forsaken, the greater a person's company means to you. Going beyond the theoretical understanding of something's importance means first learning to live without it. Doesn't that argument singlehandedly defeat the purpose of friendship? Where one failure contributes to the success of the next, which will ultimately end up in the same kind of failure because of yet another success? It's a chain reaction- endless like the radioactive decay of uranium, and potent with wreckability. ahhahaha. new word. At the end of the day, hope lies in the fact that these worries are shared by other human hearts. And a quiet promise of regeneration after failure, provides adequate assurance that there is more meaning to life than theoretical understanding.
Numbness personifies as cold behaviour, which I dont bother to hold back to those closest to me. It isn't sitting too well with them. wtf, I'm such a mess.
s'pore. where peace is a sampan bobbing in the sea ahhahahahaha.
Saturday, July 28, 2007 @10:48 PM
it was difficult. it was just all wrong. an overbearing angst, stifling and suffocating. and i lost control
there are thresholds that i'd do anything to get across, and i know i can. but just as i'm ready to jump, the whole situation turns against me. and i know, life's a choice and success is a journey BUT WTH. wa lau i'm so freaking tired already can. it doesn't help that everytime i feel like i actually can make it happen, my focus fogs up and i'm confused again-
@7:57 PM
starting next week, saturdays are gonna be spent at galilee too since nicholas complains he cant study at home. the library gets really quiet sometimes, it's such a waste of taxpayers'money. went for the scholars' choice seminar today, and i found more information on nus engineering. chemical's my interest but aeronautical gives better footing in the organisation i am attracted to. which is SAF. hahah. i learnt that nus's engineering faculty ranks 8th among all existing universities in the world, in front of all canadian engineering faculties. so yay good job keep it up.
yep. amos has been pretty hard on me because of gp. i understand where his disappointment comes from, and i know that i should be more disappointed and mad at myself than he is. and worried.
for every journey we start on, we should know what our goals are and the price we need to pay to get to the end. and knowing all this, we need not only to shine for our interests, but burn for them. the element of passion has always been the fuel behind any success, but it's an element that is also most often forgotten. and for some fortunate few, guidance is given, and focus is regained. and i know i have no reason to shortchange myself again.
a/n: (disclaimer) none of my classmates are full of shit.
i look around me, and i see so many people who are so full of shit- given so much recognition just cos the older generation are so easily stumped and awed by what is nothing more than articulacy that they mistake shit for talent. but before i open my mouth to complain (putting myself among all the full of shit people), i realise that by taking a back seat and just judging these people as undeserving of so much credit, i'm not helping myself get closer to my goals.
so PAM i guess it's time to look beyond obtaining results, and to start thinking like a scholar. ..
alright enough crap for the week. <3
Sunday, July 22, 2007 @8:53 PM
hello blog, just you and me. (: it's been a monotone, more or less. been studying with wanling at galilee for the past week for very long hours. turning into a good mugger student like everyone else. other than studying, i'm choosing to disregard everything else. i've gone back to writing in my handwritten diary, which is much easier to manage and reflect in. when i've finished the last thing i have to do for the day, i'll be sitting on the bed and scribbling away without holding anything back. maybe sometimes the most ancient methods work better. the university thing's getting under my skin as much as before. the other day, my dad and i went to fetch my bro from alumni practice. on the way there i told him about how i was tired of not knowing what to do. or not having a choice. and how the uncertain future and his expectations made me lose sleep and all that. nus ranks better than ca unis in quite a few fields. so if i work towards any of these fields, then.... hahahaha. possible stragedy huh. weiling wants to bring me home after a's! i thought she was joking. and when i asked her she said "do i look like i'm joking." so i guess she's not. i love the girls, and i'm going to miss my class a lot. must try to have reunion every year. arghahasdlkf. weiling asked if i still cared. about. ya, and i said no, and she said he found someone. i hope he doesn't wound or kill the new girl or anything. i really dont care. at least i know i shouldn't and i dont want to. chloe was supposed to come to my house today. i think the pig slept in as usual and nobody could wake her. so she didn't. today was sbbc's anniversary. the church choir gave a donmoen presentation. "God is good all the time", with andy as the soloist. the stupid boy. he's growing into such an angel. haha. his brother aaron made me smile today. and hannah, michelle and nicholas squashed me in the morning, competing for lap space. haha. i adore the church kids. <3 i miss tjoe. yeah. i haven't been a good friend. but i'm not sure what to do, and too tired to do anything. i feel old. haha. drained and exhausted. i think even ahmahs dont get so emotionally stressed. the jc kids all look the same- lifeless and sad. 2 more months, hopefully rapture comes sometime before a's. ? blasphemy! sorry God. guess i'll stop here. keep faith, till next time.
Monday, July 09, 2007 @9:12 PM
bloooooooe.
Our feelings are our responsibility; others' feelings are their responsibility. If other people feel sad, it is their sadness. This does not mean that they do no need someone else to be with them in their sadness and to empathize with them. It does mean that the person who is feeling sad must take responsibility for that feeling. If we feel responsible for other people's feelings, we can no longer make decisions based on what is right; we will make decisions based on how others feel about our choices.
refreshing springs of peace await; the troubled minds and hearts that ache. <3 hang in there nicole.
Saturday, July 07, 2007 @11:05 PM
I was writing paragraphs for AQ during gp tuition this morning, and at some point, Amos was looking through my work and he said "The tone is so judgemental." I get irked by people's critical natures, when it's obvious that the underlying reason behind their loud voice is the desire to sound admirably opinionated and feministic or whatever. The funny thing is, when it gets apparent that they're driven by the image they want to portray instead of genuine passion for the subject of discussion, they only sound like idiots to people like me. What sliced through my heart like a hot blade through melting butter (haha drama) was the realisation that I have a pathetic control over the English Language. And if unchecked, I could turn into another rambling critic with a hyperactive pencil.
I'm glad he stopped and corrected me when he did.
Well apparently an A1 in English and Literature doesn't guarantee an easy time in GP. Especially not if you, like me, kena a screwdriver as your teacher for two consecutive years.
Haha! She's really a screwdriver both literally and figuratively.
Figuratively- She doesn't teach anything. Or maybe she does, in some alien signal that nobody ever understands. Literally- Screws :D
As we mature in that positive self-awareness, we become less dependent on others to see ourselves. However, as long as we are growing in self-awareness we will always need to be loved, just as we always have the need for physical survival. Over time this need to be loved is overshadowed by the need to be of service to others, just as in an earlier stage the need for physical survival and security takes a back-seat to the need to be loved. Sometimes we find ourselves wondering how deep the abyss of our hearts are. I guess whether or not we're feeling taken care of by people, we'll always find something from that endless depth to give to others.
Best friend, I miss you.
Thursday, July 05, 2007 @10:33 PM
It's freaking hot, isn't it. And getting hotter each day. Last night was so stuffy that I took an ice cold shower at 2.30am, and then sat around stoning and sucking on ice cubes till i dont know when. oh gosh. at this rate Pam's gonna turn into an owl soon. I'm gonna be big and fluffy and you'll have to call me Pedwig or something.
AHH. Prelims are less than 3 months away. I need to get myself to panic. Panic is a good motivational tool. AAAHHH. AHHHHH. ahh. ah.. oh, heck.
A trusting attitude acknowledges the positive qualities of another’s character, such as honesty, integrity, reliability, justice and sincerity. When trust is absent, people commonly jump to negative and wrong conclusions regarding a person’s intent. Trust gives every offense the benefit of the doubt, positing that there must be some good explanation for why it happened. Trust grows in a relationship when each partner recognizes that the other never intends to hurt.
In the arms of an Angel, fly away from here From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007 @7:02 PM
Exams are finally over :D
So, 6/8 class girls journeyed to the east today. Ate at parkway. Came home to change but ended up watching tv. Then we finally got our butts out of the house and went cycling. And we sat at the ski place and had drinks. Nicolepow left us after that.. Then we acted like kids at the beach, raced back to the underpass and came home washed up watched more tv.
While looking for the underpass for Nic with Weiling, I flew off the kerb and landed nicely on the carpark ground. HAHA. Thank goodness there wasn't a road sign in front or today's Paper 2 projectile motion question would have come true. Question: "A drunk driver drove onto a ramp and flew and crashed into a road sign ?m high, 30m away. Determine blablabla" and NOOO, I wasn't drunk.
Oh we saw a waterspout forming too! See the picture!! It died away after a little while. Perhaps it was a camera-shy waterspout.
Pheara promised she would come from Cambodia or anywhere else she might move to in the future, to wherever I was going to be, to see me get married. So touched la! Haha.
There are so few girls in my class, but maybe that's what makes us so close. I love how they all accept and encourage each other so easily, doing away with bitchy attitudes and what else. Who would've thought a class like this was actually possible. :D
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Understanding is sharing and validating a person’s point of view, rather than judging it as invalid. It is being willing to discover why they see and experience the world the way they do, instead of explaining to them why they shouldn’t see it that way. "I'm sorry I never truly understood you", the first step. But what good do first steps serve, if no subsequent footprints are made.
“When the voice and the vision on the inside become more profound, and more clear and loud than the opinions on the outside, you have mastered your life.” Dr John F. DeMartini
Tuesday, July 03, 2007 @5:47 PM
"This question paper consists of 3 printed pages, including the cover page." haha, just like in primary school. :D! Mathematics H2 Paper 2 (Statistics), you're officially my favourite paper.
There's still Physics Papers 1 and 2 to look forward to. I unconsciously consumed about.. half a bar of cadbury fruits and nuts during revision. I was chewing something practically every second spent studying for these block tests. I think I am going to explode soon. boom.
On the way to parkway for lunch with huibing, we saw this girl who had a rip down the back of her shirt exposing her grandma sense of under dressing for the world to assess. eeeeeee.
Emotional wounds, unlike physical ones, do not heal automatically over time. Most of us usually brush it aside and bury it deep within our hearts and let it stay there. How does one go about healing emotional wounds? I dont know. Understanding and support, is only a patchwork that builds itself like a dressing around the wound. And we cant wear our plasters for life.
stop trying to understand systems. just stop trying.
Bare feet tickled by the powdery sand Pressing footprints along the shore;
Monday, July 02, 2007 @12:14 AM
Part of your struggle is to set boundaries to your own love - something you have never done. You give whatever people ask of you, and when they ask for more, you give more, until you find yourself exhausted, used, and manipulated. Only when you are able to set your own boundaries will you be able to acknowledge, respect, and even be grateful for the boundaries of others. In the presence of the people you love, your needs grow and grow, until those people are so overwhelmed by your needs that they are practically forced to leave you for their own survival. The great task is to claim yourself for yourself, so that you can contain your needs within the boundaries of your self and hold them in the presence of those you love. True mutuality in love requires people who possess themselves and who can give to each other while holding on to their own identities. So, in order both to give more effectively and to be more self-contained with your needs, you must learn to set boundaries to your love.
Show me a smile then, Dont be unhappy. cant remember when I last saw you laughing; If this world makes you crazy And youve taken all you can bear You call me up, because you know I'll be there
noise
be still my soul
God knows your way; and He will guide,
for His name's sake plunge in the rivers
of His grace, rest in the arms
of His embrace.
