; balance lost

Sunday, December 31, 2006 @10:23 PM

we're over at xinyi's place now. watching the night. waiting for the new year to come (:
shaula's staring at the screen. carlos too. now ruth. HAHA. my mind's blank.
then how?
HOW?!?!

hahaha. shaula wants the comp.

happy new year! (:

Saturday, December 30, 2006 @10:49 AM

No msn, no email access. :(

So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to Be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
(learn to be lonely-phantom of the opera)

Remember that empty feeling you'd get,
when you listen to sad songs,
or when someone hurts you by disregarding something you value very much.
when people go against their promises.
when you feel unimportant. unwanted. used. like you're the only one adapting.
or when you realise you've just done something very stupid, but there's no chance of bringing time back?
The powerless feeling of falling down a high storey building.. backwards.
The nerve-wrecking worry while waiting for all possible consequences to come true.
The frustration. The bitterness. Why couldn't you have had it any easier. Why you?
hmm.

I've come to change my perception.
It was something neutral, not empty.
It was a calmed power, not powerlessness.
It was a rational, albeit frantic, internal preparation. So when the consequences did come true, we wouldn't have to be shocked by the element of surprise in addition to everything else.
And life without frustration or bitterness, will just be life on happy pills- unfeeling.

Maybe our hormonal fluctuations are the cause of this needless feeling of emptiness. Cos as we grow up we learn to feel more. And we value feeling more. And as the extremes of our "windscreen" of feeling widens, it just feels a lot relative to our initial ideal. In actual fact, we have a lot more sad and a lot more happy grow into. So there's no point fretting so much now when we feel sad. Just feel, and let go. Write it down, and dont remember. Read it sometime when you're older, and laugh like a spastic about how stupid you once were.

Pam is mean. Pam is a bad girl. i knowww. :(
But this isn't insensitivity, just reality.

Sometimes i really do get carried away and forget to be sensitive.
When i think back about it, I feel really bad.
Sorry okay.

The past 3 days, I've been spending time with a group of grown up people who listen to nothing but emo music. Me, being a sufferer of Acute Hormone Fluctuatingitis (AHFs), was very much affected for a while.
But i guess that blue feeling doesn't just intensify exponentially. It reaches an all time low, and then there's the break. and the realisation. the maturity.

HAHA. i just had to add the last one.

OKAY anyways. I was at a chocolate factory for the past 3 days. Msn trains typing skills, so i finished most of my work really fast. So she let me run up to the college from time to time to make chocolates with AuntyWendy, their resident chef aka eh-dont-call-me-shifu-i'll-feel-old.
Firstly, we made prallines. liquorchocs, rochers, grand merriers. ((:
Secondly, we made figurines.
Thirdly, i made something big and brown for a small and white person. HAHA.
Lastly, I've learnt how to make and use a traditional piping bag.

But after making all that, I didn't feel like eating a lot.
As the chef puts it "already assured the quality is there what. if i'd eaten all my work you wont fit into this room with me."
Some abit irresistable.
Starting from the abitscrewedup one with white chocolate in the middle, moving clockwise.
rum and raisin, orange coveture, almond slices with dark choco coating, hazelnut and champagne, and grand merrier.
All the spirits not bought in singapore one. Haaaahaha. I exploit resources? No la this is all part of research okay.

And nutrition, i guess. :|
The hazelnut one was quite pretty, and easy to make.

Swishy Swirly (:
Was browsing through my photos and i saw something random.
nicholas did this to his pattaya rice in band camp:

That kid. hahahaha.
Okay this is it. Happy new year. (:

cos now the world feels small beneath your feet
and all the stars above are only just out of reach
when you feel you're alive for the very first time
and there's nothing that you can rise above
that's when you know
that you're kinda deluded.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006 @12:23 PM

Christmas marks the start of our one week break. (:
SMU exchange last week was really. lol.
We read finale and some celtic folk dance thing that had so many of joel's favourite ahshookamookas. It's been long since we read new pieces, and starting this thing again with the university students only made the experience more special.
Their band room was on the 7th floor, with private toilets and a beautiful view of town.
Apparently they didn't like the previous room allocated to them, and even that was three times the size of ours, with disco lights and a mirrored wall. I only wish we had a higher ceiling, then we wouldn't always have to compromise expression.

hmm.
Accomplishment often leads to stagnation, and i'm trying not to let that happen.
Just thinking of how much the other band has progressed.
And all the reasons why we haven't had sectionals.

The youth's been meeting up quite a bit over the past week. Vivo city, East Coast (ps), Sakura.. erm.
I've been pangsehing a lot and i know i'm in a bad position to ask but...
Can we please have that Muddymudpie soon??#$@!% mknnn i've craved for it since last week at sakura. cruel people.

"Muddy Mud Pie - Sinfully delicious ice cream cake dripping with thick chocolate sauce and sprinkled with cookie bits. This heavenly dessert comes in gigantic proportions and is excellent value for money. If it's even possible, this indulgent mud pie tastes even better than it looks."

They're not joking. The pie's bigger than my face.

Oh my marder, Amanda Lee Weiling rocks. The royal maid says we can have the mudpie on the 30th, after linc. AHAHAHHAA. high already.

LinC. Just a while ago, we were kids being tortured by Marcus during youth camp. Staying up after lights out to talk in whispers, trying to hide behind each other in the children's choir.
Hogging the back row seats during junior's chapel. Highlighting our bibles and taking down notes.
Squeezing into yongfei's car for a hot and stuffy drive to coffee club after church.

Those were the days we laughed so hard over just an apple bouncing across the table.

At least we get to grow up together. (:
And at least we haven't stopped taking spastic photos.
Everybody meet ruth, our crazy joker.

Have i said this before? I like shopping with nicole ohhh. (: Shopping with a focus, moving really quickly, getting distracted by pretty bags and wallets but getting back on track just as quickly.
It was hard to get bored. haha. 2/3 roomies outing.
Now everytime i talk about nicole in front of rachel, she looks like she's about to cry. HAHA.
Jealousy killed the cat. HAHAHAH.
Come on lah, who says i care for nicole more than you? (:

Pam's all armed and ready with sharp pencils and shaper pens.
Holiday Homework, you're dead.
you're gonna be finished.

Thursday, December 21, 2006 @10:38 AM

Just hear those sleigh bells jinglin', ring ting tinglin' to (:

HOWWWWWW.

What to wear for christmas!

It's so difficult to find anything, cos dresses look ok on me only from the neck down.

Then I look at the face. And I realise that I should adjourn to the kid section to find a more suitable dress.

Black dresscode right. So blook. So bleak.

Maybe I should just wear my black jumpers and hoodie. Since it's christmas and it's been raining non stop and it's super cold and all.

I could wear my bro's black hat, hang the blanket from behind like a veil, wrap it around my waist so i look like a ghoul.

Already have eyebags so i dont have to put eyeshadow. Maybe eyeliner will do.

hmm.

I think Aunty Alice will faint.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006 @10:17 AM

The clouds have been training hard, dont you think?
Training to rain. o.O
Astounding stamina.
Almost 19 hours straight.

Becky's song of praise

God's love reflects off her in so many ways.

Spent another evening, just sitting by the breakwater

Listening closely

As the waves slapped intermittently against the rocks

Shuddering precariously

As the rain thundered around my sitting spot.

Curled up on the edge of the cobblestone path

Watching intently

As the planes continued to land once every 7 minutes.

Nicole's christmas party is this evening. (:

band tomorrow we're reading persis and lochlamond during the exchange with that malaysian school band?
hmm

Our band shouldn't be afraid of taking risks. Shouldn't always do what's safest.

Shouldn't stick to easy pieces just because syf is a only a few weeks after the concert.

I thought we agreed we were up for challenges.

Now all we're working towards is success. by working within our range.

I'd rather sit in a corner and do my technicals.

Thursday, December 14, 2006 @4:01 PM

erm, honey i liquified the kids.

I'm beginning to suspect that without band or school, I have no life.
Lagging just a tiny little bit eh.

Caught up with some others from cgssb yesterday. Chicken wing overdose.
Meiling's a fun person to scare. Spared her the ghost stories, but not before telling her about the mirror apple thing while we were walking down quiet roads in the middle of the night. She looked half a shade whiter than tofu for a moment.

More things were put back into perspective last night.
It's just different somehow, being around people who have seen you change so much over the past 5 years. Yet never once left your side.
Seems that every day these holidays, I find someone new to thank God for. (:

He never said you'd only see sunshine,
He never said there would be no rain.
He only promised a heart full of singing
About the very thing that once brought pain.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006 @3:06 PM

photoshoppping beats christmas shopping hands down!
..HAHA.

@1:36 PM

but it dont wanttt.

I went for Andrew's recital yesterday. His tone rocks.
And when he run notes he closes his eyes.
Some kind of stylomilo huh.

Surprised to find that Alvamar boy was Andrew's junior. haha. He arranged the pieces played last night with Andrew. Straits Times called him "Singapore's homegrown composer-arranger."
Looked for him after the performance. He's a qualified teacher now. hahahahaa. Going all out to pursue the love.

I felt small beside him.

Exchanged contacts. Now my vision's a little blurred.
.. o.O

cool hor the star. ((:

@1:29 AM

it's tiny. almost too small for the eye to discern.
yet in nature it's the tiniest things that are the most difficult to destroy.

He made the mustard seed,
so small it could hardly be seen,
but when sown
would grow tall
and shade birds in its leaves.

maybe one day.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006 @10:22 AM

Over our heads like the sun of night,
With its friends;
Many,
Like tiny dots in the sky.
Sun is jealous of Moon,
For it has company and Sun doesn't.

Lights streaming down to Earth
Like streamers at a party.
But Sun doesn't know that Moon stole from him,
For Moon had stolen Sun's light.
Moon is clever, for she knows while Sun sleeps
She can take his light.

@9:58 AM

Reads like these make me wonder what they feed the kids at Princeton.

Essay prompt: The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when one contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries to comprehend only a little of this mystery every day.

and what does moe teach us? define the (million) key words.
not a bad approach at all.

Saturday, December 02, 2006 @11:19 PM

Was walking along the ski360 path when i heard this song being played at the waterfront restaurant. Mom started singing in that damn low octave, and i started ooo-ing like a retard.
Lucky none of the ski ers lost their balance or anything. But this kid stared at us for a while and started laughing. and you think you look any less like a clown eh.

Ok, this song, what song?
this song lah.