pam's blog

always, but never the same.

2007-12-11T18:51:00.000+08:00

it's been quite an empty week
co-ordinating the pedals and right hand is getting a bit tricky, hopefully with practice all these kinks will be ironed out.
i find that the standard i've set for myself to bounce back to, is a little higher than before.
but i'm not sure if the arrangement will be appreciated as much by the trainers/judges.

honestly, at this point, i'm unsure of whether i should go on with this.
i do want to see this piece to completion , but not knowing how much these efforts are worth is affecting my drive a bit.

but of course, we shouldn't place value on our works based on what others think, but what we ourselves feel about it..
cliche. but i really shouldn't ask for much.
after all, i've been out of touch for so long.

hmm.
but that doesn't matter anymore.
JUST JIAYOU, PAM.
(:

sirius.

2007-12-08T23:30:00.000+08:00

i've just gotten back from alumni practice! it was kinda crappy, warcrye was bleh. and we did pecos pablo too. by the time we got to omens of love, my mouth was dying. no stamina ah. :\

hmm what else? oh. MOSES ROCKS. :)
ystd i was a little disheartened because i couldn't make any sense of the percussion parts in the work i'm currently scoring. cos i'm a wind player in the band, so yea, a little hard to decipher what the percussion machine thingy was doing.
and today at alumni practice i asked moses for help, and he offered to write out the percussion parts. :D :D :D :D :D

now i'm into the 5th page out of 9. still going strong! haha.

i only have You to thank for all this. :)

mrs matsumoto

2007-12-07T22:19:00.000+08:00

パストラーレ: pa-su-to-ra-(ichi?)-re.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=H4BTv5gWnVA

i told joshua i didn't want to get married, and he was like "with me? or with anyone.."
haha! but now i'd like to be mrs matsumoto, junichi matsumoto's wife. HAHA. his works are all phenomenal, and my favourite is パストラーレ which seriously rocks so you should go listen :)

i'm halfway through the 4th page of sirius, and there is supposedly 9 pages in total to write. i had to slow down kim jeong hoon's singing to x0.75, and his voice sounded so strange at that tempo. especially the vibratos! HAHA. the vibratos were hilarious. sirius is such an awesome piece to arrange. i've gone through each segment and bar so many times over the past 2 days and i haven't gotten tired of the piece. really talented composer and arranger.

HMM.
batch steamboat on sunday! we haven't caught up in ages; i wonder what we'll be talking about other than the boys' upcoming 2 year overseas trip. poor kids, we're gonna lose both them and their hair one by one over the next 2 months. serve the nation with pride, brothers. your sweat and blood will be much appreciated by the grass during your field camps.

everybody. go for andrew's recital on 19th december- a jazzy christmas. at yms (i think..)
he's gonna be the next kenny g. hahaha.
i can't wait for alumni practice tomorrow. (:

project.

2007-12-06T12:12:00.000+08:00

ichini- advance from junior drumsticks and get a silent drumset.- $1200
ko- upgrade electone to ELS-01C- $16,800.00
san- XGEdit for PC (v2.645) and Mac (v2.08) - $40
si-build a composition stand customised for right/left handers, with stationery compartment/manuscript storage.
go- learn how to use a mixer! and to decipher percussion patterns from recordings and write+ store them.
sichi- and create/store more variations of the synthbrass sound.

the months ahead are difficult
but with love, dedication and passion,

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. :)

this is what it's gonna be.

2007-12-04T22:22:00.000+08:00

holidays.
it's been a while since the last paper of a levels. the last of many i've sat under cambridge university. apart from class farewell, cgssb's 40th anniversary concert, my mom's visit with grandma in the philippines, st andrew's alumni practice, picking up rollerblading, my brother's stint at the hospital to remove part of his intestine,...
apart from all that,
the holidays have been quite uneventful so far.

HAHA. i'm kidding. i'm not asking for anything more.

hmm.
i miss studying; i miss cramming.
the feeling of getting our brains saturated, the jittery nerves we'd get just before each paper.
at least studying's only going to get more intense when we get into university. it's sad, though, that we're going to have to wait 9 months before we belong to an institution again. at this point, stuck between two dispensations of life, belonging nowhere, i'm feeling a little strange.

up till now, we have moved easily up from one school to another, not having to adapt to new social circles very often. always having a place to go to each day and even getting scolded if we skipped a day at that place. i've grown attached to that cycle. it got monotonous towards the end, and i thought i couldn't wait to break away from it. but i was wrong. i need a place to belong to. all of us do.

i signed up for SAT 2 a few hours ago. after watching a day's worth of goong. haha. i'm getting so bad at studying. my study table looked more appealing in the west. but living in the east now, i know i should stop trying to study at the airport at every opportunity and getting distracted by take-off and landings. and that i should just adapt to the new study table.
whatever. i'm talking nonsense again.

i've successfully picked up the basics of hangul in a week. HAHAHAHA.
i thought i was smart for a few minutes, then i realised my iq score was just 133. :(
actor kim jeung hoon can get an iq score of 146. i'm a student. i study for a living. and 133.. argh fjgsdklfda. going to start boosting my brain power with omega3 fatty acids and ginko buliba.
who says one can't improve their iq? just watch.

you may age into a skeleton while watching, but just watch.

i wonder how it feels like to be an inspiration to somebody.

can a person get hooked on the smell of vicks?

manitoba or toronto?

local or overseas?

hmm.

impression

2007-11-17T23:04:00.001+08:00

wanling and i went for alumni together. some things never change :)
having been through 2 bands journeys together, she's one person that understands like no other. i guess it's just comforting to be around someone who's able to do that, to have always been there for so long. few friendships survive so long these days.

almost theree....

2007-11-16T22:18:00.000+08:00

chem mcq today; the second last paper of jc life. :)

you know today after chem, a few kids who didn't have any papers left.. started cheering. it was so hilarious, cos they were screaming at the top of their lungs but it was damn pathetic. then after a while they realised that they're part of the 1% who's finished their a's and they were gonna get walloped by the rest of us physics people if they went on with their YAAAAAAYing, so they went quiet and walked out of the hall. LOLX.

it was a good paper, compared to the other two. but arrgh for the last question, ARGH ARGH BLEH. instead of shading the option that said 2 and 3, i shaded D-1 only. basket pokeye. i think i'm going blind.

tomorrow's an eventful day!
1. sajc's open house- my juniors got so caught up with all the madness and they turned the band room into a kitchen. a KITCHEN.
2. cgssb alumni practice. :)
3. i'm going for choir! heh.

ok i'm off
astalavista, baby.

wassup yo

2007-11-13T23:19:00.000+08:00

i have this friend, her name is dory. i mean melanie.
and she goes home with me almost everyday, cos we take the same bus.
and today i found out that my fishy friend has a bulldog for a pet, how funny is that!
HEHHEHHEHE. sorry melanie.

okay, next friday, if our plans fall into place, melanie nicole eileen and me will be signing up for driving lessons. yay! so in abt half a year, the motorist community will be seeing 4 cool additions to the family. 4 (hopefully not havoc) (hopefully courteous) little cute noobies. bleh. i think the orange and yellow triangle thing is a very ugly demeaning object. it should be redesigned into something more flattering, less glaring and obiang. please lah, the only people who needs to know you're new at driving are fellow drivers, not the whole of mars.

tomorrow econs!
gotta go study.
God bless :)

I TELL YOU A JOKE A JOKEEEE!

2007-11-12T21:35:00.000+08:00

since today's Pamela's 0th death anniversary, she will tell you a joke. :D

all the organic functional groups were very bad one day. it was raining, and they insisted on going out to play. only one of the functional groups fell ill, guess who?

try guessing la.

nope, no clue. damn easy one.

...

......

give up??!!
highlight below!

it was the ALDEHYDE. hahaha you know why??
cos it went R-CHO! (ah-choo) HAHA FUNNY RIGHT!

okok then the aldehyde was in hospital, cos you know small organic compounds are mostly volatile, so they must take extra care when they fall sick.. and all the other functional groups went to visit it. and one of them caught the illness from aldehyde! guess who!

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

(chi ba boom)

give up? :D
highlight below
it was the dicarboxylic acid,
cos it went (COOH)-R-COOH. (cough ah cough)

HAHAH!! :X

long lost study buddy parn

2007-11-09T22:04:00.000+08:00

i've been mugging with sara and her fellow kc graduates the past week, and it's been very productive- almost 12 hours of study each day :)

airport has it's fair share of weird and annoying people, but nonetheless it's a conducive place.

there's even this sign there which says that bk supports our "quest for academic excellence" and encourages us to continue "Study(ing) with the King".
but i'm getting irked by the irritating busybodies. there's this idiot who kept walking past our table, reading our notes and trying to find out which jc we're from. okay firstly, we're all from different jcs. and secondly, it's none of your business which jc we're from. tomorrow if he sticks his nose into our territory again, i swear he's gonna lose his sense of smell.

besides that, i'm glad i've gotten to know a group of really fun people :) there's gloria, geraldine, elizabeth, elizabeth's friend, and geraldine's friend. haha. geraldine's friend is mad. and so funny! i told her this chem joke, and 10 minutes later she started laughing. :/

MEET THE MOOMOOs.

next week, we're gonna be sitting for all but one of our remaining papers.
and then the one will come and go, and it'll be over! :O

all the best; i'm praying for you.

studyday at school

2007-10-18T23:05:00.000+08:00

the main objective today was to go for econs lecture.
and we entered the auditorium after a long wait, and found that jaquina was lecturing.
and so we stood in awe for a bit, turned around and walked out of the class of 10 odd students.
hahahhaha, just amazing.
i'm going again tomorrow, and mr ho pls i beg you, let it be you that we last see before we die next week.

going for gp consultation tomorrow :D
i wish i could change everything about myself
so she'd at least make an effort to help me do better.

<3
keep mugging!

it's times like these

2007-10-17T22:09:00.000+08:00

it's times like these,
that "thank you" is just too small a word.
(ripped off manne's blog :D)

okay a few days ago, i typed one incredibly long post about jc life, and it disappeared a few seconds after it was finished. k fine i did something stupid, and made it disappear BUT nonetheless, it's gone. and after that, i was fuming hot hot. then it dawned on me that everything that happens, happens for a reason.
HAHAHAHAH. what the heck lah.
the post just did not have good fate. so too bad for it.

my dad fractured his foot while training for the 42.195km marathon, and the doctors at changi general hospital gave him mc for 1 week. disaster. ever since, he's been a horrible patient. he keeps wanting to walk around! "go airport to study!" "hey ok today we go east coast k, you can study in front of the sea (?!)" "let's have dinner at bk tonight! then you can sit on your blue chair and study after that" :( i <3 studying at home but what to do :(

12 days left, to make it happen.

and i know that through it all, i've never been alone.

our deepest fear

2007-10-13T19:29:00.000+08:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others

thanks

2007-10-08T18:20:00.000+08:00

20 days before a's, i prayed for continued strength and good health;
i woke up to swollen lympatic nodes and a sexy voice.
a running nose, tired eyes, headache and swollen feet. thanks.

thanks for the pimple on my nose.
thanks for me failing my gp essay again.
thanks for the cut on my hand; i dont know where i got it but thanks.
thanks for making it rain when i really wanted to sit at the beach.
thanks for making me so bad at gp, and everything else for that matter.
i don't know how this fits into a bigger plan. but i'm sure it does,
and as hard as it is for me to thank You for all this.

I still will.

Jesus, you're the sweetest name of all
Jesus, you're the sweetest name of all
Oh Jesus, you lift me up each time I fall (right)
You're the sweetest, the sweetest name of all.

the continuous creation

2007-09-05T14:47:00.000+08:00

blank stare
blank stare
blank stare
blank stare
blank stare

hahaha.

k. it feels as if my head is both empty and crammed at the same time. it's an irksome and tiring feeling. it feels i've lost contact with the world. ok that sounds dramatic and attention seeking, but truthfully speaking i cant remember the last time i actually had a good conversation with anyone. study dates have been mostly meet-study-eat-study-home routines, and there hasn't been much of a chance for me to take step back and survey my surroundings.
i've grown to realise how much i depend on self reflection. maybe that's why i tend to over-react when i lose the opportunity, energy and time to do so.

it gets stifling, because words just flow out of my pen when i'm faced with work, but when i want to write something that concerns my own life, i'm stumped. it's almost as if that skill of soul-searching hasn't been used for so long that i've forgotten how to use it.

and only now, i'm starting to realise how essential that skill is. only now i'm starting to see how getting used to numbness can result in malnourishment. mental malnourishment.
howm i gonna get out of this shit. hmm.

alright. study hard.

divided loyalties

2007-09-01T19:51:00.000+08:00

i got divided loyalties now.
http://momiim.imeem.com
imeem has smileys, but blogger has..
err.
what does blogger have? die, i dono.
i still like blogger more though. (:

die

2007-08-25T17:36:00.001+08:00

we're just two days away from prelims, yet i'm here.
and that's because there's just something i have to rationalise, and i must rationalise it now or never. (waaaaahhh drama)

anyway, it seems that the less fairness a person is treated with, the more they tend to compromise their position on controversial issues. for instance, someone who has always mantained a solid relationship with their parents will most likely (have enough maturity to) understand their parents' problems, and voice their suggestions and possible solutions. as such, they would have gotten used to being valued and treated as if they were deserving of respect, even as a child.
when faced with issues concerning unreasonability or unjust treatment by parents in general, they would go all out to debunk all arguments in favour of understanding the psyche of these parents, or giving them due tolerance, considering the tremendous amounts of stress and difficulties these parents face in life.
this is my stand. physical abuse is wrong and stupid and will not happen unless the parent is mentally unsound. but emotional abuse is unfair and unjustified, and it may be very common, because it is often invisible, and it is not easily criticised and stopped by people who can make a difference. (those outside the family unit)
i believe that subjecting one of your children to emotional pain, and refusing to explain why you're making them feel so lousy about themselves, is really being quite unfair to the child.
it's not her fault unless she knows for sure where she has gone wrong.
if she has intentionally chosen to sidestep and do something immoral and against her conscience, then it's her fault, then she should reflect and be repentful.
but if she has done something that has made a parent upset, and she has absolutely no idea what she did wrong, then the emotional hurt and guilt felt is not only unfair but also pointless.
furthermore, the parent fails to consider or even care that emotional wounds are not like physical wounds which heal and are forgotten over time. emotional wounds turn into scars.
and then, when the child delineates herself and chooses to live on a different emotional world as compared to the parent, he posits that she is strange, desensitized, and antisocial.
but really, it isn't her fault that she's numb to external ordeals.
there's a reason behind every action, right? and between humans, nothing is ever purely instinctual.

maybe she just has to indulge in more vitamin c sources.
helps to regenerate and strengthen intracellular substances.
omg why am i even talking bio?!
i dont take bio do i.
no pam you dont take bio.
you take pcme.

okay then
all the best for prelims, study hard and God bless. (:

in need of comfort food.

2007-08-24T17:14:00.000+08:00

coffeeeeeeee.

everything i've been through, use it for Your glory.

2007-08-22T17:43:00.000+08:00

before the world began
you were on His mind
and every tear you cry, is precious in His eyes.

(:
we've always been asking, how is it that God can be so patient and so forgiving, despite how many times we have drifted from His side. despite how we keep asking Him for worldly success instead of spiritual growth. And despite the fact that when we're blessed, we forget to thank Him.
And when we encounter trials, He is the first who gets sulked at and blamed.

to imagine, the feeling we get is just a minute fraction of what God feels when we forget Him.
but because of His immense love, we're still so important to Him.
we're always so ready to feel sorry for ourselves when we are forgotten, but how does that compare to what God is going through because of us?

i have no right to feel sad. in fact, i have no reason.
because my whole life is planned, and the only thing i need to pray for is to live in the Lord's will. I need to pray for for guidance and strength, because i believe that i have a purpose in your life, and it isn't yet fulfilled.

electrophilic substition

2007-08-21T22:12:00.000+08:00

it IS HNO3 + 2H2SO4 -> 2HSO4- + NO2+ + H3O+!!!
the hydroxonium ion will be so insulted that all sajc students have never known of the existence of one of his hydrogen atoms. so now you better know.

alan told me not to be so stressed, and i was like noooo where got i'm just a little short tempered i dono why, and he said "precisely; you're irritable cos you're stressed."
and then i felt very guilty.

alright, mug time.
<3

paradigm

2007-08-17T18:50:00.000+08:00

haha
somebody in the family needs guidance with anger management.

anw.
when everything about you is criticised, and when you're treated like a wall,
when they come back and all they want to do is to kill something. or each other.
at some point in time you have to understand, you're better off living on a different emotional world than with the people that cruelly decided to let you exist.

i'm haunted by premonitions that i'll screw up, that i wont find what i need in time, or that i've been working towards the wrong goals.

psychoanalyst mrs kyl said she sensed the shift of a paradigm in my mind.
a decisive force.
i thought, so what, what good is setting your mind on something if you dont know how to use it to redirect yourself to some other pursuit that is more worthwhile?
and how would you know if that pursuit is worthwhile if you wont take others' words for it?
who can you trust? whose rationale can you believe in;
what new hope will you choose to place your faith in, and how do you know your hopes wont just be crushed yet again, like it has so many times before?

wish i'd done so many things differently.
but of course what's the point in regretting now blabla
i should make the most of the situation i'm in now blabla.
blaaaa~

understanding has a way of biting back at you, confusing your own ideals and making you compromise your own principles.
and then i think, what's the point trying?
it's hard, and you rarely succeed.

amidst all this superficiality
i see no reason for my existence.

actions

2007-08-16T19:15:00.000+08:00

#$@%$#%

maybe o'levels was purely a fluke. grades wrongly keyed in or something.
why else would my language grade drop from A to S in 2 years?!

what's the bloody point, in working hard to secure content subject grades when the core subject is graded an S. S. that's an O level pass. an O level E8. for gp.
WTF. what would that reflect? that i'm an incoherent spaced out individualistic girl wrapped up in her own little world of physics chem maths and econs. a girl with no regard for general issues going on around her. a useless memory card with no heart, no emotion, and no conscience.

and i came home, and ate a huge heap of choco mint ice cream.
and now i feel so much better. (:

2007-08-07T21:24:00.000+08:00

the stomach nonsense is back! AHH. i went to school this morning, and after all the tutorials mr fong gave me a green slip and dad came and we went to the doctor's. yep. exciting day.
pheara went back to cambodia today to visit her dad who's heart failed.. thank goodness national day hols are here, so it wont be too difficult for her to catch up.
my ex neighbour's dad passed away yesterday. life's fragile isn't it. guess after a while we realise that it is definitely possible to keep our chins up for the remainder of the short time we have on earth.
life's fragile, and it'll be over before we're ready to leave. :)

6/8/07

2007-08-05T21:54:00.000+08:00

I've been writing the date wrong on all my work for the past 6 days. Stuck in the month that just passed. haha. And, I'm immensely proud of myself for using up one whole ball point pen in the span of less than a month. ONE WHOLE PEN okay. that's a lot of writing.

I think ugly betty is a cool show.
I miss weiling, cos she's in malaysia for the weekend.
(i wonder if she remembered my chewing gum.)
I still miss the best friend, though I concede that I'm nothing like a best friend to him.
haha. then again, I haven't been much of a friend to anyone of late, if you're talking about mutual support. but that's not an issue cos i'd probably be more of a mess than i already am if mutual support still existed in my life.

I need sleep but there's so much work.
and my medicine cant be taken together with sedatives.
AAAAAAAAAH.

midst of pre prelims.

2007-08-03T21:50:00.000+08:00

Physics Paper 2 today was pretty cool. I was doing the assignment on nuclear physics before the paper, and 4 pages of nuclear physics came out. Fun ah, didn't seem like much of an exam. it felt like i was doing homework. I wonder if that's how sitting for A levels is supposed to feel like. I doubt so. but it'd be cool wouldn't it. I could do assignments forever, but i'm growing to hate exam conditions. so stifling. then there's always that particular stupid invigilator that loves to stand behind you and breathe down your neck.

yep.
byebye.

me and my halo, red and white.

2007-07-30T21:33:00.000+08:00

hahahaha. i love this.

I'm having gp tuition on national day. Awesome way to celebrate the morning after band dinner. I loved english a lot as a little kid, so much so that I used to string complex expressions together, effectively freaking the teachers out because of how the poor language was mangled in every essay. I loved english because almost no studying was involved; and it gave me an excuse to rant using vivid imagination.
And then I entered jc, and encountered gp, and started stoning in class and christening the tutor as the foremost bane of her students' existence.
But thanks to Amos and his passion with manipulation, haha, my love for the language hasn't diminished; it's grown.
I dont wish it was as easy as before anymore.
GP rewards maturity, and there's nothing wrong with forcing a growth spurt out of our maturity over the short span of two years to prepare us for adult life. It is to our benefit.

Tone: Sanguine ie optimistic (possibly deluded)

It's a sad reality, that human nature is charactized by the need to feel and experience something to appreciate it. I can tell you that "strawberrywatermelon with one suan mei" juice is damn refreshing, but if you have never tried the concoction before you'll probably think that it's a disgusting drink only good for appeasing the cravings of a pregnant woman.
Good will be nothing without the existence of evil, and ugliness wouldn't be a social stigma if nobody was pretty. Likewise, company will never be appreciated unless you know loneliness.
But the good thing is: the more you've been forsaken, the greater a person's company means to you.
Going beyond the theoretical understanding of something's importance
means first learning to live without it.
Doesn't that argument singlehandedly defeat the purpose of friendship? Where one failure contributes to the success of the next, which will ultimately end up in the same kind of failure because of yet another success? It's a chain reaction- endless like the radioactive decay of uranium, and potent with wreckability. ahhahaha. new word.
At the end of the day, hope lies in the fact that these worries are shared by other human hearts. And a quiet promise of regeneration after failure, provides adequate assurance that there is more meaning to life than theoretical understanding.

Numbness personifies as cold behaviour, which I dont bother to hold back to those closest to me. It isn't sitting too well with them.
wtf, I'm such a mess.

s'pore.
where peace is a sampan bobbing in the sea
ahhahahahaha.

wonky

2007-07-28T22:48:00.000+08:00

it was difficult.
it was just all wrong.
an overbearing angst, stifling and suffocating.
and i lost control

there are thresholds that i'd do anything to get across, and i know i can.
but just as i'm ready to jump, the whole situation turns against me.
and i know, life's a choice and success is a journey
BUT WTH.
wa lau i'm so freaking tired already can.
it doesn't help that everytime i feel like i actually can make it happen, my focus fogs up and i'm confused again-

another week

2007-07-28T19:57:00.001+08:00

starting next week, saturdays are gonna be spent at galilee too since nicholas complains he cant study at home.
the library gets really quiet sometimes, it's such a waste of taxpayers'money.
went for the scholars' choice seminar today, and i found more information on nus engineering. chemical's my interest but aeronautical gives better footing in the organisation i am attracted to. which is SAF. hahah.
i learnt that nus's engineering faculty ranks 8th among all existing universities in the world, in front of all canadian engineering faculties. so yay good job keep it up.

yep.
amos has been pretty hard on me because of gp. i understand where his disappointment comes from, and i know that i should be more disappointed and mad at myself than he is. and worried.

for every journey we start on, we should know what our goals are and the price we need to pay to get to the end. and knowing all this, we need not only to shine for our interests, but burn for them.
the element of passion has always been the fuel behind any success, but it's an element that is also most often forgotten.
and for some fortunate few, guidance is given, and focus is regained.
and i know i have no reason to shortchange myself again.

a/n: (disclaimer) none of my classmates are full of shit.

i look around me, and i see so many people who are so full of shit- given so much recognition
just cos the older generation are so easily stumped and awed by what is nothing more than articulacy that they mistake shit for talent.
but before i open my mouth to complain (putting myself among all the full of shit people), i realise that by taking a back seat and just judging these people as undeserving of so much credit, i'm not helping myself get closer to my goals.

so PAM i guess it's time to look beyond obtaining results, and to start thinking like a scholar.
..

alright enough crap for the week.
<3

israel kamakawiwo'ole

2007-07-22T20:53:00.000+08:00

hello blog, just you and me. (:
it's been a monotone, more or less. been studying with wanling at galilee for the past week for very long hours. turning into a good mugger student like everyone else.
other than studying, i'm choosing to disregard everything else.
i've gone back to writing in my handwritten diary, which is much easier to manage and reflect in. when i've finished the last thing i have to do for the day, i'll be sitting on the bed and scribbling away without holding anything back. maybe sometimes the most ancient methods work better.
the university thing's getting under my skin as much as before.
the other day, my dad and i went to fetch my bro from alumni practice. on the way there i told him about how i was tired of not knowing what to do. or not having a choice. and how the uncertain future and his expectations made me lose sleep and all that.
nus ranks better than ca unis in quite a few fields. so if i work towards any of these fields, then....
hahahaha. possible stragedy huh.
weiling wants to bring me home after a's! i thought she was joking. and when i asked her she said "do i look like i'm joking." so i guess she's not. i love the girls, and i'm going to miss my class a lot. must try to have reunion every year. arghahasdlkf.
weiling asked if i still cared. about. ya, and i said no, and she said he found someone.
i hope he doesn't wound or kill the new girl or anything.
i really dont care. at least i know i shouldn't and i dont want to.
chloe was supposed to come to my house today. i think the pig slept in as usual and nobody could wake her. so she didn't.
today was sbbc's anniversary. the church choir gave a donmoen presentation. "God is good all the time", with andy as the soloist. the stupid boy. he's growing into such an angel. haha. his brother aaron made me smile today. and hannah, michelle and nicholas squashed me in the morning, competing for lap space. haha. i adore the church kids. <3
i miss tjoe. yeah. i haven't been a good friend. but i'm not sure what to do, and too tired to do anything.
i feel old. haha. drained and exhausted. i think even ahmahs dont get so emotionally stressed. the jc kids all look the same- lifeless and sad. 2 more months, hopefully rapture comes sometime before a's. ? blasphemy! sorry God.
guess i'll stop here.
keep faith, till next time.

one of those days.

2007-07-09T21:12:00.001+08:00

bloooooooe.

Our feelings are our responsibility; others' feelings are their responsibility. If other people feel sad, it is their sadness. This does not mean that they do no need someone else to be with them in their sadness and to empathize with them. It does mean that the person who is feeling sad must take responsibility for that feeling.
If we feel responsible for other people's feelings, we can no longer make decisions based on what is right; we will make decisions based on how others feel about our choices.

refreshing springs
of peace await;
the troubled minds
and hearts that ache. <3
hang in there nicole.

not really a critic.

2007-07-07T23:05:00.000+08:00

I was writing paragraphs for AQ during gp tuition this morning, and at some point, Amos was looking through my work and he said "The tone is so judgemental."
I get irked by people's critical natures, when it's obvious that the underlying reason behind their loud voice is the desire to sound admirably opinionated and feministic or whatever. The funny thing is, when it gets apparent that they're driven by the image they want to portray instead of genuine passion for the subject of discussion, they only sound like idiots to people like me.
What sliced through my heart like a hot blade through melting butter (haha drama) was the realisation that I have a pathetic control over the English Language. And if unchecked, I could turn into another rambling critic with a hyperactive pencil.

I'm glad he stopped and corrected me when he did.

Well apparently an A1 in English and Literature doesn't guarantee an easy time in GP. Especially not if you, like me, kena a screwdriver as your teacher for two consecutive years.

Haha! She's really a screwdriver both literally and figuratively.

Figuratively- She doesn't teach anything. Or maybe she does, in some alien signal that nobody ever understands.
Literally- Screws :D

As we mature in that positive self-awareness, we become less dependent on others to see ourselves. However, as long as we are growing in self-awareness we will always need to be loved, just as we always have the need for physical survival. Over time this need to be loved is overshadowed by the need to be of service to others, just as in an earlier stage the need for physical survival and security takes a back-seat to the need to be loved.
Sometimes we find ourselves wondering how deep the abyss of our hearts are. I guess whether or not we're feeling taken care of by people, we'll always find something from that endless depth to give to others.

Best friend, I miss you.

2007-07-05T22:33:00.000+08:00

It's freaking hot, isn't it. And getting hotter each day.
Last night was so stuffy that I took an ice cold shower at 2.30am, and then sat around stoning and sucking on ice cubes till i dont know when. oh gosh. at this rate Pam's gonna turn into an owl soon. I'm gonna be big and fluffy and you'll have to call me Pedwig or something.

AHH. Prelims are less than 3 months away. I need to get myself to panic. Panic is a good motivational tool. AAAHHH. AHHHHH. ahh. ah..
oh, heck.

A trusting attitude acknowledges the positive qualities of another’s character, such as honesty, integrity, reliability, justice and sincerity. When trust is absent, people commonly jump to negative and wrong conclusions regarding a person’s intent. Trust gives every offense the benefit of the doubt, positing that there must be some good explanation for why it happened. Trust grows in a relationship when each partner recognizes that the other never intends to hurt.

In the arms of an Angel, fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel;
may you find some comfort here.

2007-07-04T19:02:00.000+08:00

Exams are finally over :D

So, 6/8 class girls journeyed to the east today. Ate at parkway. Came home to change but ended up watching tv. Then we finally got our butts out of the house and went cycling. And we sat at the ski place and had drinks. Nicolepow left us after that.. Then we acted like kids at the beach, raced back to the underpass and came home washed up watched more tv.

While looking for the underpass for Nic with Weiling, I flew off the kerb and landed nicely on the carpark ground. HAHA. Thank goodness there wasn't a road sign in front or today's Paper 2 projectile motion question would have come true.
Question: "A drunk driver drove onto a ramp and flew and crashed into a road sign ?m high, 30m away. Determine blablabla"
and NOOO, I wasn't drunk.

Oh we saw a waterspout forming too! See the picture!! It died away after a little while. Perhaps it was a camera-shy waterspout.

Pheara promised she would come from Cambodia or anywhere else she might move to in the future, to wherever I was going to be, to see me get married. So touched la! Haha.

There are so few girls in my class, but maybe that's what makes us so close. I love how they all accept and encourage each other so easily, doing away with bitchy attitudes and what else. Who would've thought a class like this was actually possible. :D

-

Understanding is sharing and validating a person’s point of view, rather than judging it as invalid. It is being willing to discover why they see and experience the world the way they do, instead of explaining to them why they shouldn’t see it that way.
"I'm sorry I never truly understood you", the first step.
But what good do first steps serve, if no subsequent footprints are made.

“When the voice and the vision on the inside become more profound, and more clear and loud than the opinions on the outside, you have mastered your life.”
Dr John F. DeMartini

let m be the rv. "maaaama"

2007-07-03T17:47:00.000+08:00

"This question paper consists of 3 printed pages, including the cover page."
haha, just like in primary school. :D!
Mathematics H2 Paper 2 (Statistics), you're officially my favourite paper.

There's still Physics Papers 1 and 2 to look forward to. I unconsciously consumed about.. half a bar of cadbury fruits and nuts during revision.
I was chewing something practically every second spent studying for these block tests. I think I am going to explode soon. boom.

On the way to parkway for lunch with huibing, we saw this girl who had a rip down the back of her shirt exposing her grandma sense of under dressing for the world to assess. eeeeeee.

Emotional wounds, unlike physical ones, do not heal automatically over time.
Most of us usually brush it aside and bury it deep within our hearts and let it stay there. How does one go about healing emotional wounds? I dont know.
Understanding and support, is only a patchwork that builds itself like a dressing around the wound. And we cant wear our plasters for life.

stop trying to understand systems.
just stop trying.

Bare feet tickled by the powdery sand
Pressing footprints along the shore;

emission line spectra.

2007-07-02T00:14:00.000+08:00

Part of your struggle is to set boundaries to your own love - something you have never done. You give whatever people ask of you, and when they ask for more, you give more, until you find yourself exhausted, used, and manipulated. Only when you are able to set your own boundaries will you be able to acknowledge, respect, and even be grateful for the boundaries of others.
In the presence of the people you love, your needs grow and grow, until those people are so overwhelmed by your needs that they are practically forced to leave you for their own survival.
The great task is to claim yourself for yourself, so that you can contain your needs within the boundaries of your self and hold them in the presence of those you love. True mutuality in love requires people who possess themselves and who can give to each other while holding on to their own identities. So, in order both to give more effectively and to be more self-contained with your needs, you must learn to set boundaries to your love.

Show me a smile then,
Dont be unhappy.
cant remember when I last saw you laughing;
If this world makes you crazy
And youve taken all you can bear
You call me up, because you know I'll be there

favourite pillow.

2007-06-30T01:52:00.000+08:00

eee pam eee you're disturbed.

I realised that I've been crawling up to my mother in the middle of the night, every night, for the past two weeks. Sometimes i was bothered by maniacal screams of some restless soul residing in the next block. Sometimes dogs were howling incessantly.. Today, it was because a hyperactive moth flew in and planted himself on my complex numbers notes after fluttering all around my face. And I worried that it would try to share my pillow when I turned off the lights.
Insomnia driven by relentless disturbances from the surroundings..? eh.

Soon, we can stop thinking abt grades and start appreciating the process of experience. I've wasted too much time on the former, that I've almost forgotten how it makes people pit themselves against their interests.
Hoping that soon, I wont try to seek explanations for every new system encountered.

Perhaps then I'll sleep better.

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

change

2007-06-28T23:22:00.001+08:00

so fun, tomorrow no papers.
but next week, 3 more papers await.
Ahhhh, pure torture.

passion and silence,
every word, every line, a measure,
its the science of the soul,
and his books, they breathe a reason and now i want to know.

it's june 19th :D

2007-06-19T10:52:00.000+08:00

THE J1S ARE COMING HOME TODAY.

10 days.

2007-06-15T18:54:00.000+08:00

when incoherence sets in

you get pictures. :x

Wanting to talk but not knowing what to talk about is like.. constipation.

You go all the way to the toilet and you're like, "I just wanna shit.",

but you sit there for half an hour and nothing comes out.

puts you in a super shitty mood.

And then you feel so bad about yourself for cheating the toilet bowl's feelings.

It's 10 days to block test 2.

Still remember when it was 10 days to syf.

HAHAHA.
It's the j1s' second day in NewZealand. 3 days to go!
Can't wait till they come back.
Wonder how many true selves will be revealed..

Come on, if Perth can do this to Yisiong, anything is possible.

in loving memory of Sharkbait.

2007-06-12T14:14:00.000+08:00

Sharkbait Flappy Gill

Was called to be with the Lord on 12 June 2007.

Sorely missed but fondly remembered by all loved ones.

Finally, the little saint can put on his halo and live up to his name-

The Angelfish. :D

okkk serious.

Sharkbait was.. a good fish. Although he was only a baby when he passed away, he already had an impeccable strength of character. He was not one to be discouraged easily; and to the very last hour, he pushed himself to his utmost limits in hope of regaining balance again.

The mere sight of the lovable and adorable fish chewing on the filter could melt a heart.

Sharkbait was one of a kind. We pray that he rests in peace.

on a lighter note, watch this.

roses can grow through concrete.

2007-06-11T14:26:00.000+08:00

Give me eyes to see the future,
Though it's hidden from my view;
Give me compassion
As I'm moulding a treasure for You.

I'm moulding a masterpiece, a work of great beauty
I'm moulding a masterpiece, my labour's not done
A trophy, a treasure
of worth beyond measure

I'm moulding a masterpiece,
A masterpiece of love.

it's kinda sad watching little sharkbait struggling hard to stand up.
everytime he falls back down, i'm can almost imagine him going "oh no no no not again AHHH."
and i feel defeated too.
but then he bursts with a sudden bout of energy and flaps himself upright again.
u know everytime he falls, he gets back up. he never seems to get tired of trying.
and i look on, so proud of his resilience.

if a fish can do it, so can you.

2007-06-10T20:48:00.000+08:00

i dont know what i was doing, looking through memories that have always left me feeling numb.

anyway, sick fish has a name. sharkbait! haha. since it looks exactly like the angelfish in finding nemo. it's being cranky again. swimming upside down and everything. i didn't know fishes had tantrums too.

la forza del destino

2007-06-10T18:51:00.000+08:00

i made an astounding discovery today.
la forza, performed at the esplanade last year by st pats.
listen!!

at the last part i couldn't help but LOL. had this mental picture of them falling dead at the finish line.
but really, listen.
it's damn nice.

the fish saga.

2007-06-09T19:32:00.000+08:00

went back for chem mock test yesterday, and a few of us popped by the classroom to check on the fishes. poor things. they were overfed and grumpy. and they were looking at us like we were coming to kill them. whoever's responsible for the torture of the fishes residing in c-305, may you fall into a hole in the ground and be lost forever.

there was food scattered all over the bottom of the tank, in various stages of decomposition. and one poor fish was so sick it couldn't even keep itself upright. after quickly assessing the situation, we did an emergency fish evacuation and cleared the whole tank of all the nonsense.

sick fish came home with me. yesterday it wouldn't eat anything despite incessant coaxing. and it was like, lying on it's side swimming around in circles. such a stupid fish, so thin already still dont want to eat. was damn worried. then i had a brainwave :D

i fed it LIQUID FOOD. hahaha. so it had no choice but to consume the food if it wanted to breathe. genius la pam.
so now it swims in a bowl, and meals are administered in a seperate container. the fish is being nice about having to transfer from bowl to container to bowl to... etc. it actually swims to my hand for me to carry it. so yea.. good fish.

i gave it a bit of physiotherapy today. HAHA.
you know what, i think my therapy worked. cos now instead of rotating in pathetic circles on its side, the fish actually stands on its fins and wobbles around the bottom of the bowl in an upright position. woah.
i make such a fantastic vet right. :)

k i'm off. have fun.

they're drilling upstairs.

2007-06-07T14:04:00.001+08:00

i think the people upstairs are drilling out every single bloody tile, wall and additional fitting in their house. the drills have been in symphony since the wee wee hours of the morning and it's a little impossible to study with your whole face going rubbery because of that infernal sound..

went on journey across the highway yesterday. cycling with alec, xiuli and brother. we stopped at the first jetty that was packed with fishermen catching small flat unedible fishes. brother said maybe one whole family of fishes were out having a little holiday swim and now their whole family name ceases to exist.
we saw this little boy who kept falling off his scooter on purpose. for fun. kids are so strange nowadays.

heard the clarinet choir was gonna try italian in algeris.
hahah. it rocks. download here.

the background music.. was played by just one person.
pretty cool right. (:

pam is in a qwerty state of mind.

2007-06-06T22:09:00.001+08:00

do any of you know exactly what course you want to pursue in university?
as in, know that you definitely want to take that particular course, apply for a particular scholarship that can secure you a job in a predefined company through the bond that comes with the scholarship.
do any of you already know exactly what you want to do when you grow up?!

because i dont know.
i really dont know leh.
and my parents keep asking everyday.
until i've become so agitated that i now have half the mind to finish all my medicine at one go.
ok ok just kidding.

i've narrowed down my choices, but they're so vastly different from each other that i'm beginning to suspect i dont really want to do any of them. haha.

having to decide between so many fields of study's such a pain, i swear. ever since we were young, my parents always told us to study hard and do well, to keep our choices open.
and now that our choices are open
i dont know what to do.

hello

2007-06-04T19:23:00.000+08:00

amanda: so fierce on sunday.
fried: hole in the lung still say me..
jiahao: YUP. i'd feel better if there were more cold front collisions here. haha.
sean: FAT AH.
dorothy: i hope things are getting better for you.. ecclestiastes chp 3 might help (:
nicole: meiji's dark chocolate range is a bit.. erm. i'll let you try something else next time k see if you like.
timothy: so hard one!? i need to hire a pi first. haha.
mishhhh: OK AHHH. ahahhhaha. how is your cockroach?
brenna: cos.. the people in the walls will follow you around.
syarah: hey of course i will! take care too.

ALL: thanks for all your concern! (:

-
i waited 2 hours to see the doctor today. haha. but it wasn't that boring cos the strangers there were quite friendly. there was this 1 week old baby with jaundice and after exchanging a few smiles my mom told the mother every detail of my jaundice experience as a baby. :S
anw the baby was so friendly. it was trying to talk. but we were talking halfway and it just fell asleep.

some woman from changi hospital called, i'm supposed to go there tomorrow at 10am.
but tomorrow there's chemistry from 9-11 and physics 11-1
argh i dont want to miss mass hinting sessions!
haiaaa.
pam you idiot stop complaining just study yourself.
ok? ok.

(disclaimer: the section below is fictionary. any resemblence to any person(s) dead or alive is purely coincidential)

sang nila utama newspapers, forum section.
there was this guy with 4As and 2 S paper distinctions, with a b4 for gp who didn't manage to get into NUSO pharmacy. it's unbelievable. my (imaginary) brother didn't beat him at anything except gp, and SAFO gave him a scholarship into engineering. it's only been 2 years, and now you cant even get a bloody place in pharmacy with mad results.

today's newspapers. today. (really.)
pay hike in the civil service:
similarity- happening in both sang nila land and malaiseeya. same percentage range somemore.
difference- in m'seeya, the lowest paying jobs get the highest percentage pay hike (up to 33%), and the ministers get single digit % pay raise.
in sang nila, it's the other way around. the ministers get super a lot and lower paying jobs get almost nothing. and if anybody complains, some elitist will murder you.

HAHA.

vomit blood ah.

2007-06-02T09:16:00.000+08:00

when that really happens, it's actually more scary than a ghostly encounter.
last night i finally developed a gastric ulcer. haha. okk i know i should have been more strict with eating on time you told me so and bla bla bla bla bla bla bla but SORRY. from now on i will.
haha. i was scolded so damn much over the past 5 hours.

after 1 hour of trying home remedies, another hour of mom's small talk of how i never listen to her about eating well, the third hour rushing halfway to east shore but detouring to a 24 hour clinic instead because of the traffic lights and potential waiting time, and 2 hours of disrupted sleep.. i'm actually feeling much better. ahhahahahhahha.

the feeling i got from staring at so much dead blood was.
i dont know.. bittersweet. haha.
on one hand i was relieved that all that nonsense was out of my body, and on the other i couldn't believe that i was that sick. and all the time my mom was behind "see, i told you. drink more water come on. flush your stomach."
eee. people flush toilet bowl u want me to flush my stomach?! so nice.

i'm really regretful now for not paying more attention to the gastric attacks. for always coming up with stupid excuses for skipping meals. the seriousness of this gastric thing only dawned on me last night. stomach ulcer doesn't increase the risk of stomach cancer, but prolonged inflammation can lead to precancerous changes in the stomach lining.
in sec4, my classmate's mom died of stomach cancer. we were looking at her mom's waxy face through the glass of her coffin, and her mom still looked so young. :(

anw if you're having the same problem, pls dont wait till your stomach grows a hole before you start eating properly.

AND i hope you're not too shocked/worried about this.
will cure one dont worry. good medication.
by the way. 24 hr clinics rip off i tell you. last night's bill was $81 and the doc barely said 4 sentences. and the last was "go to the hospital if ur pain persists."
i also can be doctor la like that. refer all my patients to the hospital.
so fun.

pam, you're a noob.

2007-05-30T11:11:00.000+08:00

yesterday night, i was so freaked out.
because weicheah went to knock on this wall in st pats that sean said was filled with dead bodies. and ralph talked about the red boy who sits in a corner crying.

and smart weicheah reminded me about all this just before i fell asleep. how kind of him.
so i tossed and turned and worried about the red boy breathing down my neck.. and i checked the window and checked the cupboards and under the bed...
and finally i got up and walked to my parent's room like a pathetic 3 yr old, to ask my mom if she would come sleep with me.
hahahaha. gosh. pam!! you're 17 for crying out loud.

so in the middle of the night, when the air was still and the whole house was silent..
i heard the main door creak open, very slowly. then suddenly this ghost started clanging the lock a lot of times before actually opening it.
at the back of my mind i was thinking "not bad this ghost. use key to come in."
then i panicked and tried to swallow back the thought cos you know, later the ghost angry then not funny anymore.

pam never dies without a fight, right? i decided not to hide in my bed and wait for it to come get me. so i bravely walked up to my room door and hid behind it like how those spies always hide behind the door before opening it and flashing their gun.
then i opened it just a creak..
AND OMG OMG BASKET! a stream of reddish light washed into my room. and i was standing there rooted to the spot, staring at my mom and trying to will her to wake up. but she just continued sleeping like nothing was happening. OMG! i tell you, at that moment i almost fainted and died.

then just as suddenly as it came on, the light went off and the front door slammed. help! it was coming for me now! with a hop skip and a jump i was back under the pillows and quilt with my eyes tightly closed, hoping and praying hard that the thing would just let me sleep in peace and not pieces.

so then after the longest time, i mustered up the courage to move a little and i tugged on my mom's sleeve.
me: did you hear the front door open?
mom: mhphmm.
me: mhphmm?? ehh. wake up!
mom: aiya ur brother went back to camp. didn't he say at dinner? k go sleep now.

@57#$Q3%@23#2&#$!!!!

vivid imagination ah someone. beige light can become red.
anyway..

happy birthday tammy ye!

i wish we were still celebrating your first, even though i cant really remember how fun it was. but it had to be damn fun cos you then u were still cute and shorter than me.

well the good thing that comes with you growing older is that now you talk much more, and i swear i simply adore the things you say cos it's rubbish.

just kidding la woman. haha.

enjoy your 16th, be good STUDY HARD!

loves. (:

masquerade

2007-05-21T21:52:00.001+08:00

sajc band
syf 2007

done.

some cars crashed downstairs.

2007-05-21T20:36:00.001+08:00

red, black, yellow.

next to each other, they looked like the germany flag.

cool right. wanna bang car also must colour coordinate.

so bad. anyway that's not the point.

the point is that shortly after the cars collided, one woman opened the passenger door of the black car. and she came out and threw one blue plastic bag on the road.

and without second thought she crossed over to the road shoulder to make her phone calls.

siao or wad sia. she think highway like some zebra crossing or smth.

i was neutral to the whole thing, until my brother's comic disdain for her lack of civic-awareness translated to mine. haha.

sad case..

for what it's worth

2007-05-19T22:04:00.000+08:00

it's a shame.
that people would rather chose a charismatic friend over someone quiet, though more loyal.
that some are so quick to shun mistakes, or anything out of the norm
that the worth of most youths in my school is often measured by the loudness of friends they have, rather than they type of friends they keep.

it's a shame that the quiet, loyal, hardworking few are rarely remembered
and because they feel unnoticed, their spirit doesn't stay as strong.

dorothy, you inspire me.
when we graduate, i'll remember you..
for how just a year after you picked up the alto, u played in syf on par and even better than most jc alto players.
for how i've never seen you give up hope despite the trecherous path that was once ahead of you.
for how you had so much more to handle than all of us, both academically and in band, yet you were the one who complained the least.
for how you've always been a figure of comfort, even though you didn't have many to turn to for ur own comfort.

you been a source of strength to so many, when you felt so tired inside.

the world is filled with too many airheaded girls
and too few dorothys.
lol.

p/s- no offense to anyone in particular, i've only insulted u if u choose to flame.

ANW. have a good last week of school (:
shiok man. 10 weeks down, 2 terms to go.

quantum physics

2007-05-17T20:59:00.000+08:00

the last lecture today was econs, 530-630, and i never felt more awake.
mr? was a lefthander and he kept blocking the projected notes as he wrote. and he was practically reading out the words as he wrote them and i lost his train of thought at some point and so i turned to pheara with my scrunched up gonna cry face that was so unbelievably hideous that she burst out laughing in the middle of lecture.

mr fong just finished the first chapter on quantum physics.
there was this portion of the topic, talking about how fired electrons showed interference when passed through a two slits, but with the simple act of observing the experiment, the electrons passed through like matter. two plain lines. because the wave function collapsed upon observance.
then we started talking about how an electron orbital in an atom wasn't really an orbital but rather a probability ring of where the actual electron could be found. so theoretically you study a cloud of electrons, but practically one whole ring is just a dot. and when all things are observed all a single instant, we finally see that everything around us is mostly space.

and the beauty in this is when such a practical concept is just as true in relationships.
we've gotten so used to banking our hopes on whole rings of possibilities, despite knowing that only one of all probable outcomes can really come true. we've gotten used to laying out all possible paths of life before deciding to embark on one, despite knowing that our true path of life was planned even before we were born, and no amount of excogitation can change anything.
not that we shouldn't think things through before acting, just that we shouldn't always worry so much.

and isn't it strange, that some people can feel so infallible and act so tough,
but all it takes is one person to try and understand a little of what the person is going through at some point.. for the former person to reveal exact positions of what's going wrong.
just like how the huge electron cloud was reduced to a single point charge.
it's so encouraging sometimes, that when a friend realises your problems, they also see a clearer picture of the possibilities you have to overcome them.
of course, there's the minus side to the collapse of this wave function, and that comes in the space discovered by the friend.
because space without friend.. is vulnerability.

if you didn't understand, you dont have to.
because i dont have time for vulnerability at this point.
haha.

AHHHHHHHHH.
someone tell me there's still 2 months of band to look forward to.
cos i dont want band to end just yet. studies are wonderful stimulation for eyebag growth.

lol.

2007-05-15T17:14:00.000+08:00

a bit drama right some people.
The Dgbandswillbedefeated Website

ok lor..

we appreciate drama
Students of Dgbands

pastor's message.

2007-05-13T19:24:00.000+08:00

there was this mom who always pushed her son to do his best. in his primary school days, she made him sit and study for hours on end, and made sure that he scored 100% for all tests.
when he was in p4, he scored 99% for maths after spending just 1 hour doing a 2 hour paper. she blasted him with all her fury and told him that if he spent the last hour checking his work, the 1 mark wouldn't have been lost.
PSLE results came out, and the mom's sister-in-law came and asked "da sao! my son got 270, i'm so proud. how did yours do?"
"err. 252 only."

the son went on to a prestigious secondary school, got his 9A1s and went on to a top junior college and did well there too. he got into university on scholarship, met a girl on campus, got married, and settled down with a high paying job.

one day, the mom was grieved to find that her son wanted to file for a divorce with his wife.
cos the wife wanted to start a family, and the son was adamant against having children.
because throughout his entire childhood, he never once felt the love of a parent. and because of that, he knew he couldn't find it in his heart to love a child properly. he feared that the child would only fear him, just as he feared his own mother. and now, he didn't even want to see his mother. because of what she taught him to be.

the mother told pastor. "if i could turn back the clock, i wouldn't have pushed him so hard. i'd do anything, if he would just call me 'ma' again."

-

i'd say that in the entire world, nobody loves us more than our mothers.
better perhaps, but not more.
i admire my mother a lot. she's the strongest, most loving, most understanding person i know.
and even though sometimes i lock my room door to get away from her, i still love her a lot.
and i hope to be someone like her when i grow up.
this mother's day wasn't the best of days for her. cos she missed her mom and my dad didn't permit her to go back in june. but there she still sits in the kitchen, with a peaceful look on her face, bent over some christian book, her reading glasses slipping down her nose.

my mom has beautiful eyes. it's light brown, with many dark brown spots. and the rim is green.
and it's weird how she got them cos my grandma's eyes are blue-grey. i wonder how my grandpa's eyes looked like. haha. maybe pink.

if the whole world were put into one scale, and my mother in the other, the whole world would kick the beam.
(:

my brain is as saturated as a salt bridge.

2007-05-01T21:22:00.000+08:00

"Science, far from destroying the beauty and romance of the world as seen by artists, musicians and writers, enhances it by revealing the underlying reasons and purposes" - McConnell

i beg to make a potential difference. (volt)

the days of diffusion:
i'm stupid, i study, knowledge diffuse readily into my head due to the concentration gradient, i'm smarter.
the extent of how much smarter i've become is determined by how stupid i once was, and how smart my notes are.
the end.

the days of post diffusion.
i'm stupid, i study. i'm still stupid. i study harder. and harder and harder.
and finally i set all my notes on fire and, clap my hands in retarded glee.
right.
then i pinch myself and wake up and realise that quite tragically, i wasn't stupid enough to do that.

you know what Electrochemistry, ever since i've met you, i've felt nothing but hurt and anguish.

i've tried to run away, but you still keep coming back to haunt me, tutorial after tutorial.

i didn't study all the way here just to get my brain broken.

hai.
i wish i never met you.
-drops notes on the floor.

LOL.
k la study la.

2007-05-01T18:37:00.000+08:00

isn't it always the case,that when our goals draw near, we feel increasingly restricted.

we find less time for anything else,
we find it more and more difficult to move forward?

and walking away from it all, is such a taboo..
yet tempting option.

such was my demise.

until i remembered
that so many count on me.
my existence.
my role.

and so i decided never to break the chain
of dependence,

cos i know this chain will continue to uplift other tired hearts.

and keep them going for the next 2 weeks.

thus, onward I strive.
and foward i look.

for the greater cause. (:

2007-04-25T21:08:00.000+08:00

you know, pam doesn't do recounts.
but today was exceptionally stupid.
so for the sake of your entertainment and the immense regret that's making me feel like one big pile of shit, i'll talk about today.
try to look entertained k. cos i'm feeling bad.
thanks.

k so the day started out with trivial stupidity.
picture this:
me and the bowl of mee sua in front of me at the band table.
i lost my appetite a few days back, and the mee sua looked particularly unappetizing today. still, i knew i just had to eat it cos if i ate any later it would have just come back up.
so i took a bite.
and found that the noodles were not cooked.
it was like. MeeSua Cookies.
hard luck..

so after that i was talking so someone. and i said something i shouldn't have brought up.
and now all i can think of is.
i'm so sorry.
you've brought me so much joy,
but i've brought u so much trouble.
and pls dont deny it to make me feel better.

school was not bad, but you know what they say, a bad day for every good one, and a tear for every smile.
so sls meeting yesterday was promising, school was okay, but in band..
"you're running away from what you cant do."

there was nothing wrong in anything he said

but i guess the truth made me feel stupid

and that stupidity hurt quite a bit.

it was a relief that he made me go back to get the score

cos for the first in a very long time, i had to fight back tears.

over a stupid bloody chorale.

on a normal day, i would probably have laughed off the mishaps.

but it's just two days to concert.

two weeks to syf.

and there's still so much to do

pls, tell me we're gonna break out of the st andrews curse.

the curse of the chyesim.

let me know it's going to be okay.

2007-04-22T21:43:00.000+08:00

i wouldn't be surprised.
would you?

finger itchy la.

2007-04-04T22:24:00.000+08:00

So.. I will update my non-existent audience with the newest additions to the (fascinating) history of Pam's life.

Studies have been going ok i think. We're doing magnetic fields in physics, and it's freaking funny cos Fleming's Left is such a vulgar hand signal. Probability crossed with PnC in maths, but that's not what's killing me.

What i think is the most useless piece of knowledge in the entire syllabus, is Electrochemistry.
Electrochemistry is the evil people's code for Phymistry. Due to the self explanatory pathetic demand for this subject in Cambridge, they had to resort to such unscrupulous means to make us take it anyway. And now your poor pam spends the better part of her breaks in the library trying to understand something that is just utterly confusing and useless beyond belief.

Yesterday was SAS's sports day, so because the boys had commonsense enough not to waste their day sitting and staring at people running around one track, band room was so cramped that for a minute i thought i was in China. And because our air con died since last wednesday, ventilation was kinda dead and the smell was awesome.

Big nicholas came along a few days back to listen to us.
It was really nice seeing him again. But I still find it hard not to stare at his bald head.
I realised how i missed his wise old corny lame talks.

Till next time the finger itches.
(:

-

2007-03-28T21:52:00.000+08:00

cca orientation today.
it went pretty well i guess, i think most of the audience have insurance to fall back on after being blasted stuck to the backrests of their seats, and i only played about 11 wrong notes out of 10.

haha. yeah.
band bad hair day today.

but i guess the more we worry about what's been done the less time and energy we have to fully utilise the time left.
and there's already so little to go around.

so on that note,
pam says byebye.

all the best for all events this semester,
study hard
and see you next term (:

what the..

2007-03-27T22:16:00.000+08:00

one more dai.

2007-03-21T20:59:00.000+08:00

fart is converted into a combustible mixture of gases by reaction with steam in the presence of a heated nicky catalyst.
CH4(g) + H2O(g) <-> CO(g) + 3H2(g)
suggest why the total bond energy in the CO molecule is higher than the bond energies found in the data booklet?
-
we've come to the last pupper.
yay.

i kinda miss the person i was back in cgssb. i miss how it used to be, how we acted and sounded nothing like girls cos we never had to.
i miss the reasons i had for giving so much to them. the words i used to say, the way i used to say them, and the way we inspired each other.
And now, it's just so different.
It's a band of many talents but no heart, no warmth. We fit together, but that's all we do. And since i'm not what i once was, i'll quietly do what i can, with those who care.

Hmmmm. Okay la. There's already enough sai to go around without my additions.

I know things will be different after block tests.
Maybe we'll be more important to each other.
Maybe I just shouldn't be talking about this.
-
kenneth sent a message in the middle of the week that helped the week pass easier.
was suddenly reminded about what deb said
about how little things go a long way.

ok. physics.

it's a long, long journey, so stay by my side
when we walk thru' storms,
Lord, be our guide.

kids.

2007-03-16T14:43:00.000+08:00

It's been quite an irksome morning.
Some worked solutions were so concise that it harder to decipher them than the questions themselves..
So, I'm having a break. (:

I guess, pregnancy really is a beautiful thing.
I mean, yea adoption is noble etc, but just the thought of being depended on for survival.. having even just your emotions directly affect the growth of a small life in you. having that small kid thing to love and protect and being it's only true line of defense is just.. overwhelming. In a good sense.

haha. I think experiencing the first trimester alone is enough to convince me to enter a marriage that may possibly end up with me being subservient and unimportant.

Might seem as quite a pessimistic way of putting it, but maybe it isn't at all that bad when you understand what i'm trying to say.
Ok so here's what i'm trying to say. And it's based mostly on it being God's plan all along that the role of women in a family was to care and provide for the kids unconditionally. This traditional role of women shouldn't be considered diluted by changing times just because of all the retarded interpretations of gender equality.

To me, gender equality is a sensible pursuit only in the corporate world, and not at home.
Cos mothers were catered for motherly responbilities, motherly solicitude, motherly blahblahblahs. Girls can get capable and resourceful and seem garang and unafraid to make themselves heard. But deep down, we all started out soft. And there will always be that soft side to us, and it'll show up sometime. It's an instinctual thing, and it's not something that goes away after you dont use it for a while.

Being a mom's a huge emotional investment, and it's challenging and nervewrecking, but it's anything but sad. Because together with all the difficulties, there's that satisfaction and pride.
Momming rocks, dont you think? (:

Someone that means a lot to me is in her first trimester now.
I've been thinking quite a lot about this first trimester thing. About how the smaller the baby is, the more sensitive it is to things happening all around the mom. Especially emotions.
And we all know that moms under a lot of stress are very likely to miscarry.
And some theorize that faced with so much stress and emotional turbulence, some fetuses may choose to die rather than inflict further stress and pain on their mothers or themselves.
It's so heartwarming, don't you think?
And i hope that perception alone will convince someone to take good care of herself and not stress so much. (:

dear ___
I know, as a _____, stress and frustrations come everyday from everywhere, mostly from one big person HAHA. But i guess if there was an better way of taking care of both ___, ___ and ur baby, you would.
Still hor ___ .. you once told me that ___ comes before ___ for you, and it will always be the case cos you're a ____. But it's hard for us, cos taking examples from past events, you know that you come much before ____ to us. And your presence have blessed us a lot, so it's natural that we want to see you well taken care of, and taking care of yourself well.
It's not so bad, you only have to eat like a grandma for 3 months.
haha.

okay enough thinking so far for one day.
study hard, kids.

march holidays

2007-03-08T20:25:00.000+08:00

cant keep that picture there man
everytime i see it i bleh. hahaha.

immediately after every holiday, it's the block tests/common tests/promos/prelims.
cant believe it's been that way since before we were born,
and nobody complained enough for a change to be considered.
sure, it's an ideal opportunity to go into supermugger mode
but aiyo
no chance to rest in piece or recuperate.
it's like taking one big long breath at the beginning of band prac and not being allowed to replenish for the entire day.
it's just so.. gay.

something's wrong with our batch
it's as if we dont even find it important to give each other time in our lives anymore.
because of studies, because of fatigue.
it's kinda sad. that some of us have unknowingly become quite selfish.
at the end of the year, i wouldn't want to leave with a decent looking a level cert
and the regret that i hadn't been a blessing in any of your lives.
then again, you guys probably have more pressing issues to consider over each other.
yup. things like studies and dealing with fatigue.

vectors test came back today.
at first i thought it was mean of her to minus so many million half marks cos i didn't name the lines properly. cos i did get the answers.
but then after thinking more.
i was reminded that the journey's always more important than the destination.
even in math?
art kids think we lack creativity, cos we always arrive at the same conclusions.
but more often than not, we use different routes.

hmm.
new string of argument to present to mok.
all the best for bts. (:

the sajcian sky.

2007-03-02T21:48:00.000+08:00

There's always something overwhelming about the sky above our college.
The cloud patterns are always so picturesque, it's colours are always radiant..
Always a tranquil experience, sitting at the gallery.
Still remember once after pe, nicole pow and me were staring intently at the rain, wondering how it was possible that rain could feel so warm and reassuring. and what made us like the sight so much.
Hmm, maybe partly cos pe was cancelled cos of the rain. But i'm sure there was something else
about the aura that sajc sits in, under our sajcian sky.
HAHA..
so drama lah pls.

Today, the canteen commitee handed out 5 surveys each to every class. And my class, unsurprisingly, went a bit crazy over the open ended response part.
Okay. a little more than just a bit. Our response to "what can the canteen do to improve" was more than 2 pages long. Complete with graphs demonstrating economic analysis and labelled diagrams.
Class rocks.

Mr Fong's deprives me of stars. I swear the last practical was near perfect and all he wrote was a good. Save ink ah. Star a bit make me happy also cannot. The longsuffering physics rep feels damn exploited. She's gonna go on strike soon.
On the flipside, My GP tutor's starting to be nice.
It scares me. Self explanatory.
haha.

Band's been. well. progressing slowly.
But my juniors have really been putting in a lot of effort to improve their technique and tone.
It's sad sometimes, seeing them get so worked up over their funny tones and trying all sorts of ways to change it. Long tones are boring, but it's good to see that some of them want to go through all that just so that they wont let their friends down.
In most ways, the j1s reflect more of the band culture than the j2s themselves.
Still, i refuse to believe that not everyone in my batch cares for the band more than they do themselves.
In a few weeks, we'll play our last piece together.
And from that moment, I wont be filled with so much worry anymore.

Finally, we're having our royal dinner tomorrow. haha.
It's been so long since we last really sat down and talked.
I'm glad that whatever happens tomorrow, the day will be made happy again in the evening.
Amanda, i found this photo of you me and joyce sharing a crib. I stole your rattle. HAHA.

till next time.

i need perth.

2007-03-01T12:07:00.000+08:00

This year is gonna be short, and i'm hoping that at the end I can look back and honestly say that i loved my last two years as a school kid.
The only reason i studied so hard in upper sec was because i didn't want to do worse than my brother, who at that time had just gotten back his o'level results.
He did trash me at the end by two points, but it didn't matter at the end cos i knew i did the best i could, and also learnt a lot along the way. not just academically.
My upper sec years passed with few missteps.

But the past year didn't.
We'll be stepping down in about 5 months, and i'm not sure if i'll have done the best i can when that time comes. I hope that I'll leave the school with footprints on cement, not just on sand. And I hope i'd have given my juniors my best, and made friendships that will last for a long time.

If i had my life to live over, i wouldn't have insisted on coming to sajc.

HMM!

PE on monday and tuesday had me aching till now. Tuesday night was so painful that i applied the deep heat spray all over my body before sleeping, and i went to lie down. Then only it started to feel hot.
Wth burn also got lagtime, i thought the spray not working so i put so much.
No wonder it's called deep heat.. cos they make everybody spray three layers of menthol all over the body.

Weiling looked quite sad yesterday. She felt that the class didn't appreciate mr fong enough. He's one of the best I've seen. Most caring, most understanding, most.. not law abiding. And his lessons are all damn funny.
I hope that he doesn't lose his spark because his students always take advantage of him.
I dont think we do.. but it's easy for others to.

And rachel, I'm sorry for yesterday.
It was quite funny though, that joel self declared that i was mad at him. I swear that boy thinks that everyone hates him sometimes. I hope if he's reading this he'll know that we dont.
Sorry for looking so fierce during sectionals. The 30 bar rest was really getting to me.
And you know la, everything else. from the one on the right side to the one on the left side.
Put aside your books one day and lets have a proper roomie dinner together okay?
i <3 you a lot!
see i put your name in purple somemore.

hmm.
block tests in 17 days.
this one i'm gonna put in my all.

for the love of bakkwa.

2007-02-17T16:03:00.000+08:00

If you ask me what happened last thursday. I'd stare at you blankly.
And if you looked right through my blank eyes into my brain space, maybe you'd see some grey cells breaking down into smaller invisible pieces.
ie brain shrinking
cant seem to remember anything these days.
maybe i've got amnesia or something.
oh no..

Pam, you die die must remember the statistics of your life!
you better write it down and pin it up on the noticeboard and chant every night next week before you go to sleep.

I tell you something okay. I've had it with the bloody millipedes outside the band room. Stupid farts.
There I sit, minding my own business. And one freak comes crawling really fast towards my Bb, like as if he'd just seen his long lost mother inside it. and i'm like oh my marder YOU FFF YOU! dont you dare touch my Bb!
but he just goes on running towards my instrument like he's totally lost it or something, and i finally decide to blast my highest note with my bell aimed directly above his head to stop him. and he shrivels up and stops moving.
And I go yay one second but argh the next, because i realise that just millimetres behind me, his whole freak millipedehood is vehemently charging towards me like I'd just assassinated their only living grandma.

And then knowing that it's gonna be a losing battle, me against their whole bizarre colony, I have no choice but to retreat defeatedly to the band room.

Millipedes are the most selfish creatures on the planet.. all i ask is for one small undisturbed spot on the floor. like that also they cannot give.

Let the rain falling on your face
Run in to your eyes..
Can you see the rainbow now,
Through the stormy skies?

the saints' clarinet choir.

2007-02-11T21:30:00.000+08:00

We had our mega section reunion at Coffee Club, and i wasn't tempted with even a drop of coffee.
sia lah, pam you power!
ok la okay, not that angelic yet. jon choo almost ordered the tiramisu latte as i stared woefully at the menu. but lucky didn't. (:

The kids (haha) went bowling after that, and those sec 4 and above went pooling.
I dont get why those below sec 4 shouldn't pool. not like they're selling drugs or anything in the area. hmm.

Will update with photos soon.

Hope the kids enjoyed themselves. (:

Have a good week.

for light sleepers only.

2007-01-21T17:37:00.000+08:00

Beds can now fly, and very soon pigs also will.

omg what? you gape disbelievingly at me.
pam you cock eye ah. or something.

no my friend, I kid you not.
i swear i see my own eye okay.

what the ajasdfjkld.....

What will they come up with next man.
Flying Pans?
haha. joke.

Anyways, school's been picking up. And cca sign up was. quite overwhelming.
I still remember day after cca day, first band practice for them.
I was so stunned by the whole multitude of them that turned up, looking from the section cupboard to their awaiting faces and knowing that no way was 7 loaves of bread going to feed the 4000 this time.
In the end, the merit j1 batch died by half. But the spirit of the survivors made pam happy.

What really made my week though was the newbies. Yesterday was their first practice. I was actually a bit afraid that they would be hard to teach, or show attitude cos taking up an instru at j1 is pretty difficult.
But watching them contradict all my initial perceptions of them, trying and trying again. Squeaking but trying again. Sitting in a corner and not wanting to give up.
I couldn't help but smile just watching them work so hard even on their own.
And.. I just wish that some of us were more like them.

Sometime during the week, I was sitting outside the band room with my Eb and Reaction Kinetics notes in front of me. Staring at the rain with the mouthpiece still in my mouth, kinda like a retard deep in thought.
Thinking of how Nicky said last year, that he really really wanted to accomplish as much as we could last year cos when school opened we'd always be coming up with excuses.
How true that was.
How sad though, that it wasn't a concern of the majority.
It wasn't. It still isn't.

For me, it isn't enough just doing my individuals everyday.
To them, it isn't enough that i call for sectionals so often.
For me, i still have to keep my spirit alive. keep my chin up, keep looking on the brighter side.
cos if i stop, i'm afraid nobody else will.
To them, i should be making them love coming down and playing together.
inspiring them to inspire others.
and if i couldn't do that. then there was no point having sectionals often.
Once a week.
Twice a week band prac.
i'm so sure we're gonna get damn good going at this flabbergasting rate.
the good getting better. the not so good not knowing how to be good.
i'm so sure.

And being so drained by all this.
When i'm at peace, i want to talk them.
Then something happens that gets me so heated up again.
And at the end i'm drained again.

So all i've resolved to do, is to sit and watch the rain. To sit and pray that someday, the only section i've had so much love for, will realise that we're all doing this for each other as friends.
and it just makes the people around them suffer if they dont do their part.
and the only reason they will ever get sian of seeing each other is if they dont love what they do.
for that, then there's no point in us playing together anymore.

My dad told me more about how he grew up today.
Why his side of the family was the way it was.
And how we turned out so different.
And I felt so grateful that You preserved my parents and my family so many times.

"If you do the right thing, God will take care of you. He'll send you friends and work through them to take care of you."

eh. i take care of so many. haha.
somebody take care of me leh. (:
bleh.

it's shining.

2007-01-11T17:52:00.000+08:00

in my heart, there's a place
where there's always hope
and always a way
to make it through the night.

I love the way tempodiminuetto makes our band sound.
like water. like waves lapping softly on the sand.
at sunset. in autumn. o.O
It turns us into such gentle people. Totally different from how we usually play.
What inspired this arrangement, with such intricate detail? Where within a mass of confusion, there's that breathtaking connection of minds.
And confusion refocuses into a clear picture.
Awesome.
ok.. maybe a wee bit too drama here.

Anyway, organic chemistry test was quite spastic.
It seemed one page long, seemed, until we had just 5 minutes left.
And I flipped the page. wah piang.
Unbelievable.

With much remorse, I have to say i've been very mean to one third roomie over the week.
I think I was so mean that she actually fell sick today.
LOL. yes i know, link hello?
but still, poor roomie.
gonna have to put on that apron again later, to atone for my sins.
(:

Nicky's gonna get mad at the two of us because of our new-found posture.
It's much much worse than the previous 'bell resting on the lap/chair and playing with one hand' thing.
The new and improved shocker comes complete with the while 'slouch really low in the chair with a damn sialan face, clarinet to one side of the body. and going "huh?" while the mouthpiece is still in the mouth'.
Otherwise known as The Weicheah Salute.

yesyes i know. sit properly and dont try to be funny.
of course we will. so fret not if you're fretting.

Rhapsody's going on air tomorrow. With Jungle Variations and arse.nal.
jungle variations.
a hymn for the monkeys.
first suite in Elephant and Coyote.
so many retarded possibilities..
but they could do no better than "Safari."
It's a cool piece la, nonetheless. (:

and in my soul, i believe
if i just have faith
then i will be free
i'll be alright

cos to everything else.
i'll just fit.

my section (:

2007-01-06T18:35:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i might get abit asdfjklasdjfklfdsk after band.
because of how the boys like to mess up the section cupboard immediately after we arrange everything damn nicely.
and because of how they sometimes forget to be serious when they should be
and because they dont get some things done on time.
But
They're what i'd call the conspectus of cool-retarded.
The kind I can't help but not do without, no matter how many times I've walk out the band room with my hair and nerves all frazzled up.

Through the holidays almost all other sections had their dsa kids to ~~bully~~ take very good care of.
Today, finally, we also grew a few more lungs ((: Their names are Jasmine and Benny. First practice today. Really nice people, spastic too.
Gonna quickly form alliance with them before the merit j1s come in.
HAHHAHAH. stragedystragedy ok.

sajcband is gonna be bloody awesome.

nicholas dont let the fire die out. dont ever give up, just whack.
you're not alone. (:

I was on the way home with shioks yesterday, and as we were passing sas this sas kid attentioned and saluted me. "Bye ma'am!"
HAHAHA. apprarently we sat in the same (big) front row.
During band camp, when the boys saw us before flag raising each morning they'd smile. "Morning ma'am!". and we didn't even know half their names. It was so aww.
Made me super happy la. hahaha.

Dont know if any junior will search google for "what's an ashookamooka" and chance upon my blog but
if you're a junior
greet your seniors. (:
you'll be kinda adorable if you do. HAHHHAH.

have a good week.

love the churchies

2007-01-01T12:53:00.000+08:00

Xinyi is ultimate rockness. For opening her house and her kitchen, for standing in the kitchen overlooking everything from top to finish, and for being the lovable Marder that she always is.
Thanks Xinnn (:

They had 20 potatoes to work with. 20, it was crazy.
I cant even finish two wedges. Haha.
Each crepe took about two tablespoons and there were two huge bowls of potato slice mix to fry.
Passed that on to shaula and clara, who passed it on to jamie who passed it to timothy who fried the crepes 3 cm thick to quickly use up the potato mix. Good job keep it up.
Then there was the whole lump of cheese. oh my marder, the cheese. in a wok on top of a flame that was either huge or dead. I was screaming while trying to fold all the mushrooms and garnish and breadcrumbs in. Hope friedemann's ear is okay.
Then there was the never ending order of chopped onions. And the never ending washing.

Wahh. It's the first time we actually cooked something together. we're always eating out, or eating the food our parents cooked, or eating the food catered in church.. and everything else lah but but BUT. on the last day of last year, 31st Dec! We, the youths of sbbc, pit our masakmasak and playdough skills together, and with one tiny kitchen and one petrified dining table (who was sadistically surrounded by so many mad kids brandishing knives and choppers and chopping away on it, laughing hysterically every, hmm, 30 seconds or so.)
we put together a DECENT MEAL. (:
very very decent. and very a lot also.

Hamburgers (Xinyi's damn nice patty recipe), Spaghetti, Some Salad Thing and Some Potatocrepe filled with mushroom and cheese Thing both headed by Friedemann, and Powder Orange Juice. Everybody had something to do at some point in time. It was just so heartwarming to find that all of us had this unspoken, spontaneous teamwork thing going. And dinner was prepared not just by a few of the older ones but by all.

Baked the largest amt of cookies I've ever made at a go, before christmas (57x7=399 :o)
Now i've chopped the most no. of onions in a day. before new year. My eyes are bionic eh cannot cry one. haha. Timmy was tearing even just washing dishes beside me. Softie that one.

We watched Madagascar first. Then Step Up. and I had to leave halfway, in the middle of movie in the middle of the morning at 2am. felt so ashfjsldlfkjalsdfkj :(
He's gone back on his promises so many times that I don't bother to speak up when I'm home anymore. Cold war, he calls it. To me, conversation is needless when listening's only happening on one end.

OTHERWISEE, New year was welcomed grandly. With the company of my wacky brothers and sisters. And with good food, movies and games, and people laughing hard every so often.
They're the people I look at and smile quietly to myself. And make a mental note to remember to thank God every night that he let me be a part of them.

Yesterday while I was using xinyi's laptop, Shaula came up beside me and said "i wanna useee." and I stared at her for a while and realised that I never had a little sister bug me to get off the comp before. I used to be the one at my bro's mercy. And now i look at Shaula and she's like.. aww. hahahahhahaa!! Obliged her immediately. Am i nice or what.
HAHA.

school's starting soon. :(
holiday homework refuses to die. :(:(
Pam's the dead one now.

lol.
Happy New Year! Pray this year will be more constructive than the last.
With more focus, more perseverance.
More thinking, more love. More God.
And different priorities.

watch night!

2006-12-31T22:23:00.000+08:00

we're over at xinyi's place now. watching the night. waiting for the new year to come (:
shaula's staring at the screen. carlos too. now ruth. HAHA. my mind's blank.
then how?
HOW?!?!

hahaha. shaula wants the comp.

happy new year! (:

it could happen to anyone of us

2006-12-30T10:49:00.000+08:00

No msn, no email access. :(

So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to Be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
(learn to be lonely-phantom of the opera)

Remember that empty feeling you'd get,
when you listen to sad songs,
or when someone hurts you by disregarding something you value very much.
when people go against their promises.
when you feel unimportant. unwanted. used. like you're the only one adapting.
or when you realise you've just done something very stupid, but there's no chance of bringing time back?
The powerless feeling of falling down a high storey building.. backwards.
The nerve-wrecking worry while waiting for all possible consequences to come true.
The frustration. The bitterness. Why couldn't you have had it any easier. Why you?
hmm.

I've come to change my perception.
It was something neutral, not empty.
It was a calmed power, not powerlessness.
It was a rational, albeit frantic, internal preparation. So when the consequences did come true, we wouldn't have to be shocked by the element of surprise in addition to everything else.
And life without frustration or bitterness, will just be life on happy pills- unfeeling.

Maybe our hormonal fluctuations are the cause of this needless feeling of emptiness. Cos as we grow up we learn to feel more. And we value feeling more. And as the extremes of our "windscreen" of feeling widens, it just feels a lot relative to our initial ideal. In actual fact, we have a lot more sad and a lot more happy grow into. So there's no point fretting so much now when we feel sad. Just feel, and let go. Write it down, and dont remember. Read it sometime when you're older, and laugh like a spastic about how stupid you once were.

Pam is mean. Pam is a bad girl. i knowww. :(
But this isn't insensitivity, just reality.

Sometimes i really do get carried away and forget to be sensitive.
When i think back about it, I feel really bad.
Sorry okay.

The past 3 days, I've been spending time with a group of grown up people who listen to nothing but emo music. Me, being a sufferer of Acute Hormone Fluctuatingitis (AHFs), was very much affected for a while.
But i guess that blue feeling doesn't just intensify exponentially. It reaches an all time low, and then there's the break. and the realisation. the maturity.

HAHA. i just had to add the last one.

OKAY anyways. I was at a chocolate factory for the past 3 days. Msn trains typing skills, so i finished most of my work really fast. So she let me run up to the college from time to time to make chocolates with AuntyWendy, their resident chef aka eh-dont-call-me-shifu-i'll-feel-old.
Firstly, we made prallines. liquorchocs, rochers, grand merriers. ((:
Secondly, we made figurines.
Thirdly, i made something big and brown for a small and white person. HAHA.
Lastly, I've learnt how to make and use a traditional piping bag.

But after making all that, I didn't feel like eating a lot.
As the chef puts it "already assured the quality is there what. if i'd eaten all my work you wont fit into this room with me."
Some abit irresistable.
Starting from the abitscrewedup one with white chocolate in the middle, moving clockwise.
rum and raisin, orange coveture, almond slices with dark choco coating, hazelnut and champagne, and grand merrier.
All the spirits not bought in singapore one. Haaaahaha. I exploit resources? No la this is all part of research okay.

And nutrition, i guess. :|
The hazelnut one was quite pretty, and easy to make.

Swishy Swirly (:
Was browsing through my photos and i saw something random.
nicholas did this to his pattaya rice in band camp:

That kid. hahahaha.
Okay this is it. Happy new year. (:

cos now the world feels small beneath your feet
and all the stars above are only just out of reach
when you feel you're alive for the very first time
and there's nothing that you can rise above
that's when you know
that you're kinda deluded.

canonini variations.

2006-12-26T12:23:00.000+08:00

Christmas marks the start of our one week break. (:
SMU exchange last week was really. lol.
We read finale and some celtic folk dance thing that had so many of joel's favourite ahshookamookas. It's been long since we read new pieces, and starting this thing again with the university students only made the experience more special.
Their band room was on the 7th floor, with private toilets and a beautiful view of town.
Apparently they didn't like the previous room allocated to them, and even that was three times the size of ours, with disco lights and a mirrored wall. I only wish we had a higher ceiling, then we wouldn't always have to compromise expression.

hmm.
Accomplishment often leads to stagnation, and i'm trying not to let that happen.
Just thinking of how much the other band has progressed.
And all the reasons why we haven't had sectionals.

The youth's been meeting up quite a bit over the past week. Vivo city, East Coast (ps), Sakura.. erm.
I've been pangsehing a lot and i know i'm in a bad position to ask but...
Can we please have that Muddymudpie soon??#$@!% mknnn i've craved for it since last week at sakura. cruel people.

"Muddy Mud Pie - Sinfully delicious ice cream cake dripping with thick chocolate sauce and sprinkled with cookie bits. This heavenly dessert comes in gigantic proportions and is excellent value for money. If it's even possible, this indulgent mud pie tastes even better than it looks."

They're not joking. The pie's bigger than my face.

Oh my marder, Amanda Lee Weiling rocks. The royal maid says we can have the mudpie on the 30th, after linc. AHAHAHHAA. high already.

LinC. Just a while ago, we were kids being tortured by Marcus during youth camp. Staying up after lights out to talk in whispers, trying to hide behind each other in the children's choir.
Hogging the back row seats during junior's chapel. Highlighting our bibles and taking down notes.
Squeezing into yongfei's car for a hot and stuffy drive to coffee club after church.

Those were the days we laughed so hard over just an apple bouncing across the table.

At least we get to grow up together. (:
And at least we haven't stopped taking spastic photos.
Everybody meet ruth, our crazy joker.

Have i said this before? I like shopping with nicole ohhh. (: Shopping with a focus, moving really quickly, getting distracted by pretty bags and wallets but getting back on track just as quickly.
It was hard to get bored. haha. 2/3 roomies outing.
Now everytime i talk about nicole in front of rachel, she looks like she's about to cry. HAHA.
Jealousy killed the cat. HAHAHAH.
Come on lah, who says i care for nicole more than you? (:

Pam's all armed and ready with sharp pencils and shaper pens.
Holiday Homework, you're dead.
you're gonna be finished.

christmas

2006-12-21T10:38:00.000+08:00

Just hear those sleigh bells jinglin', ring ting tinglin' to (:

HOWWWWWW.

What to wear for christmas!

It's so difficult to find anything, cos dresses look ok on me only from the neck down.

Then I look at the face. And I realise that I should adjourn to the kid section to find a more suitable dress.

Black dresscode right. So blook. So bleak.

Maybe I should just wear my black jumpers and hoodie. Since it's christmas and it's been raining non stop and it's super cold and all.

I could wear my bro's black hat, hang the blanket from behind like a veil, wrap it around my waist so i look like a ghoul.

Already have eyebags so i dont have to put eyeshadow. Maybe eyeliner will do.

hmm.

I think Aunty Alice will faint.

raindrops

2006-12-19T10:17:00.000+08:00

The clouds have been training hard, dont you think?
Training to rain. o.O
Astounding stamina.
Almost 19 hours straight.

Becky's song of praise

God's love reflects off her in so many ways.

Spent another evening, just sitting by the breakwater

Listening closely

As the waves slapped intermittently against the rocks

Shuddering precariously

As the rain thundered around my sitting spot.

Curled up on the edge of the cobblestone path

Watching intently

As the planes continued to land once every 7 minutes.

Nicole's christmas party is this evening. (:

band tomorrow we're reading persis and lochlamond during the exchange with that malaysian school band?
hmm

Our band shouldn't be afraid of taking risks. Shouldn't always do what's safest.

Shouldn't stick to easy pieces just because syf is a only a few weeks after the concert.

I thought we agreed we were up for challenges.

Now all we're working towards is success. by working within our range.

I'd rather sit in a corner and do my technicals.

what the heck?

2006-12-14T16:01:00.000+08:00

erm, honey i liquified the kids.

I'm beginning to suspect that without band or school, I have no life.
Lagging just a tiny little bit eh.

Caught up with some others from cgssb yesterday. Chicken wing overdose.
Meiling's a fun person to scare. Spared her the ghost stories, but not before telling her about the mirror apple thing while we were walking down quiet roads in the middle of the night. She looked half a shade whiter than tofu for a moment.

More things were put back into perspective last night.
It's just different somehow, being around people who have seen you change so much over the past 5 years. Yet never once left your side.
Seems that every day these holidays, I find someone new to thank God for. (:

He never said you'd only see sunshine,
He never said there would be no rain.
He only promised a heart full of singing
About the very thing that once brought pain.

it's time.

2006-12-13T15:06:00.000+08:00

photoshoppping beats christmas shopping hands down!
..HAHA.

i let it snow..

2006-12-13T13:36:00.000+08:00

but it dont wanttt.

I went for Andrew's recital yesterday. His tone rocks.
And when he run notes he closes his eyes.
Some kind of stylomilo huh.

Surprised to find that Alvamar boy was Andrew's junior. haha. He arranged the pieces played last night with Andrew. Straits Times called him "Singapore's homegrown composer-arranger."
Looked for him after the performance. He's a qualified teacher now. hahahahaa. Going all out to pursue the love.

I felt small beside him.

Exchanged contacts. Now my vision's a little blurred.
.. o.O

cool hor the star. ((:

the mustard seed.

2006-12-13T01:29:00.000+08:00

it's tiny. almost too small for the eye to discern.
yet in nature it's the tiniest things that are the most difficult to destroy.

He made the mustard seed,
so small it could hardly be seen,
but when sown
would grow tall
and shade birds in its leaves.

maybe one day.

the moon.

2006-12-12T10:22:00.000+08:00

Over our heads like the sun of night,
With its friends;
Many,
Like tiny dots in the sky.
Sun is jealous of Moon,
For it has company and Sun doesn't.

Lights streaming down to Earth
Like streamers at a party.
But Sun doesn't know that Moon stole from him,
For Moon had stolen Sun's light.
Moon is clever, for she knows while Sun sleeps
She can take his light.

reality

2006-12-12T09:58:00.000+08:00

Reads like these make me wonder what they feed the kids at Princeton.

Essay prompt: The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when one contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries to comprehend only a little of this mystery every day.

and what does moe teach us? define the (million) key words.
not a bad approach at all.

dontworry

2006-12-02T23:19:00.000+08:00

Was walking along the ski360 path when i heard this song being played at the waterfront restaurant. Mom started singing in that damn low octave, and i started ooo-ing like a retard.
Lucky none of the ski ers lost their balance or anything. But this kid stared at us for a while and started laughing. and you think you look any less like a clown eh.

Ok, this song, what song?
this song lah.

Punctuation.

2006-11-30T10:16:00.000+08:00

Pam will attempt to use proper punctuation in her posts from this day forward.

Mother goose is finally back in Singapore, along with ate berlyn. It's only been a little more than a week, but somehow it feels so much longer. Unwillingly handed the kitchen back to them today. ):
I have to admit, taking charge of all the housework was quite an inspiring experience.
I thought I understood what my mom was going through. Now I finally know how little i knew.
Getting up early to prepare breakfast/ turn on the heater all that. Then getting the family to wake up so they wont be late for their things. Getting glared at for waking them up too early/too late.
Mummy i kowtow to you man.

The fun part comes when we're all alone, quietly scrubbing the wash or even just sitting and listening to the washing machine spin the clothes.. and oh man, ironing. The water swishing around in the iron, and the steam washing over your face. Express facial. Putting things lying around to their proper places.
It makes you feel so at peace, so in control. It gives you time to take your mind off everything else, you know, just focus on getting the crease to disappear, or waiting for the stew to produce its first bubble.
It's really very good, very meditative. And I dont think I'll want anyone else to help me do housework when I grow up and stay away from home.

I used to find it lame everytime my mom asked me to make her something nice to drink, ask her about her day, turn on the tv for her. Sometimes it seemed more convenient for her to do all these small things herself, or for us to talk about things another time when I had nothing to do. Now, after going through a little of what she's always been going through for a while, I feel bad that she even had to ask for me to do all these small things for her.
Then, what she asked for seemed too much. The way she reacted to things seemed too bombastic. But it was only because people like me didn't show her enough appreciation. That's why she felt so angsty. ):

Sometimes it's just so nice to have someone else take notice of your small, almost insignificant needs. Cos then you feel important, at least to that person. I guess the smallest gestures hold the most strengthening power. hahaha. Did something for my junior and gave it to her on musical evening. She's one of those small gesture people in my life. I think she has always been that way, since i met her back when she was in p5? Quite sad that i'm only starting to appreciate her now. Just lucky i didn't drain her out with my insensitivity all this while.

I was so happy today, when i woke up to find that somebody made breakfast for me. And prepared my toothbrush. XD So happy so happy I tell you, I was grinning so widely over my mug like as if it just fed me 1000 christmas candies. All through the past week, I had always been the one making breakfast for the two guys before they left for work, then getting too busy with the morning chores that I couldn't be bothered to do anything for myself. It's times like these when small things people do really start to mean so damn much. When Rachel fed me lunch the other day before we left for st pats, it really cheered me up. Like as in, really. haha.
And it's not all about food.
Emme helped me get my shoes off the shoe rack while i was closing the band room door, and really i was quite touched. HAHA. you'd think i'm deprived of concern or something. But no lah, i'm just giving thanks that God gave me such good friends.

Just yesterday, I thought, I must have done something really terrible as a kid to be suffering such a fair bit now. Maybe I gave people a lot of pain. lol I dont know man, have I hurt you? If I have, you must tell me okay. And i'll try to unhurt you. :l

I kinda knew that nicky wouldn't be falling over himself to thank me for finishing his ontraalto score in one night. But it still felt quite bad when it happened. Probably cos of other things that happened yesterday. Like the Bb tone deterioration reminder by caspar the ever neh ghost. Which I think I really needed. Too caught up with band camp preparation and everything, almost forgot about this problem.

Pam can make it okay.

Lord, pls give me strength.
generousity has more to it that what it actually means
its not about money
but rather giving in until it hurts.

traumatising experience with finale

2006-11-29T02:55:00.000+08:00

the skies darkened ominuously. little droplets of rain started to pour as brobdingnickynag loomed over me. "here."
i stared at what he had handed me. it was just 6 pieces of paper folded in half, but it felt so heavy.
i hesistantly unfolded the papers.

omg. it was it.
IT.
IT!!
(rachmaninoff, to transpose)
i vainly attempted to hide my fear, and asked nicky to put the scores in my bag.
it'll be a piece of cake, i thought.
pam never says die. right?!
my ass.
here i am sitting in front of the computer like a bloody owl, 3 am in the morning
and i'm at variation 26, and there are 33 variations in all
and i have 6 hours to finish the last 7 variations, considering i dont sleep.

damn you rachmaninoff you biggest mknn of the (previous) century, did you have to write so many variations?! even what's his name... PAGANINI also not so longwinded.

maybe if i used pencil and manuscript and write out the transposition, not so bad. but i'm using finale to do it, so nicky doesn't have to squint to decipher my towgays.
and finale, i tell you
is
one
massive
piece of smelly brown disintegrating ew.
i took half a bloody hour to successfully apply one pathetic crescendo.

and oh my marder, talk about putting in the staccatos. my index finger seriously doesn't feel like a part of me anymore. wonder if there's a waiting list for prosthetic fingers in pakistan.. ):

i can preserve my sanity..
i can refrain from swearing too much before i learn how to drive..
i can be wide awake during band later..

yah man i'd give anything to be alert. :l
and not go back to phoo ing like a girl again.

hmm.

0405: why so many weird words. unpoco vivocity. piu vivocity. lentol soup. andan-tinnoed sardines. l'itesso tEMpO.
0442: somebody give me a neck massage....
0523: i finished 32nd movement! (:

0536: :D!!

ehhh shit. dont know how to send this to the printer.

i'll be dreaming of you tonight

2006-11-25T10:45:00.000+08:00

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I wish on a star that somewhere you are
thinking of me too

Wonder if you ever see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside
my contacts
Would you even care?
whether i have enough contacts solution? HMM?

cos i'm dreaming of you tonight
not tomorrow, i wont be holding you tight
cos there's nowhere in this world i'll ever be.
than here in my room, dreaming about you and me.

aww!

lol.
had quite a bit of fun mime-ing out this song with becky after band.
band hmm.
band.

band overdose.
band headache overdose.

now i'm starting to understand why my conductor says he hates to have to his waste time on admin matters.
i'm starting to see how it makes people so tired.
too tired to be dedicated to the music.
and how it makes the band so practical, so technical.
and so unfeeling sometimes.
not that i'm any less motivated. so nicky doesn't have to worry.

hmm. sometimes i'm so smart, i amaze myself. HA kidding la.
1. the only thing harder than admitting to a guy that you like him is admitting to him that you dont.
2. things that belong together will come together, and stay together. think inelastic collision.

but sometimes i wish i was so much wiser. that i could make important decisions without questioning myself soon after.
that i could make sense of so many things around me.
that i knew what to say to make you feel less bitter.
enough band.

ok how long has it been since i last did this?

I am: quite bored
My name is : Pamela Cuppucino Samalele.
Some people are just so: stupid.
I'm optimistic about: putting on enough weight to donate blood next year. 45 KG! YEAHH.
An event like this would traumatize me: everyone around me turning against me.
I yearn to: love. without having to feel so tired.
I'm jealous of: people who have more flesh than me. assholes.
I trust: you.
My intuition is usually: right.
One time, I spontaneously: ate some banana leaf. it was quite good.
I haven't had this feeling in a long time: needed.
I am proud of: my friends.
I would never be seen wearing: torn contact lenses.
The scariest dream I ever had was: also the happiest dream i had. cos someone told me the opposite of what you dream about will come true. AAAHHHHHH.
I am annoyed because: people annoy me.
I feel most beautiful when: i feel loved.
I could care less about: what someone thinks of me.
My favorite kind of movie is: dont make me embarrass myself. or all of you who watched ice age, madagascar, finding nemo, happy feet, flushed away, ice age2 etcetc with me.
oops.
I often get distracted by: music. people who play good music.
I am eager to: sit at the semi d during band camp in the middle of the night. i'll drag nicole/emmie/rachel along. just look up at the stars.
I'm glad that: i am where i am now. (:
I feel guilty about: making people unhappy.
This really hurts: ): don't want to talk about it.
I've finally made peace with the fact that: i'm not perfect. the world isn't perfect. nothing will be. and i shouldn't try too hard to perfect myself. yay pam.
I'm most talkative around: wahlao. why like that one.
I was so embarrassed when: HAHA. SO MANY. :$
One feeling I hate is: being lonely.
One feeling I love is: love.

try it.

keep your chin up.

2006-11-23T11:51:00.000+08:00

when you look out in the distance
you see it never was that far.
Heaven knows your existence
and leads you to be everything you are
there's a time for every soul to fly
it's in the eyes of every child
it's the hope, the love that saves the world

i'll never let it go.

recovery

2006-11-14T20:55:00.000+08:00

Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

hmm.
it's gonna be alright soon.
pam's gonna be okay.

so.. i dont have to update littleseed blog anymore.
and this is the last happypill i'll ever need.

allthat'sleft

2006-11-13T20:41:00.000+08:00

just a glow
is all that's left.

not sad at all.
just drained.

toomuchtoask

2006-11-13T19:53:00.000+08:00

i just want to live.
is that too much to ask?

just as people give and get, pam;
forgive and forget, that's what you gotta do.
and dont ever question, what about me?
cos it'll never be about you.

you're just a resource
the start
of an endless food chain.
so remember this;
and don't question God why
ever again.

optimistHAHAHA

2006-11-13T00:09:00.000+08:00

percussion senior mr cow moomoo said i was a good optimist.

haha.
optimist sia?

you think.

band freakism
broughtme6ftclosertoyourheart.
but it's just the same thing
that'stearingmeapart.

angels in disguise.

2006-11-03T22:26:00.000+08:00

pray dot's cold sore gets better soon.
and that nobody who walked in the rain today gets sick.
and that glosz doesn't pissoff tomorrow.

personality

2006-11-02T18:21:00.000+08:00

HAHA.
i was bored to tears.

You Are An INFJ

The Protector
You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience.You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them.
You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

What's" Your Personality Type?

must go take photos with jonathan one day.

Your Blogging Type is Unique and Avant Garde

You're a bit ... unusual. And so is your blog.You're impulsive, and you'll often post the first thing that pops in your head.Completely uncensored, you blog tends to shock... even though that's not your intent.You tend to change your blog often, experimenting with new designs and content.

What's" Your Blogging Personality?

LOL! you dont say.

comical train

2006-11-01T12:28:00.000+08:00

brace yourselves, for journey you'll forget the minute it ends.
welcome onboard The Comical Train.

still remember the days they let me isolate myself with my instrument.
it was the the power of a pair of headphones, that kept me completely disjointed from the world for as long as i kept them on.
and there i'd sit, planting little towgays on manuscripts and arranging sequence after sequence. 'preparing my festival pieces.' yah right.
cant believe they were fooled, especially since they'd already seen me perform next yr's piece in public. but maybe they weren't. maybe all along, it's just been waiting.

an hour ago, i was walking around the house looking for something to busy my hands with.
there's a lot more to do. pictures to hang up. boxes to unpack. but how would i know what goes where? heck i cant even drill straight to save the world. so i looked at its keys, and wondered if my fingers still had the life in them.

i haven't lost it, but the diskdrive is dead. so i cant continue my work anymore.
truth is, that doesn't really mean a thing to me. since i withdrew myself from music school out of disinterest.

but as i sat there staring at the diskdrive blinking "eRRoR" at every poor diskette put in, i recollected one of those days, when the blinking used to catch me by surprise. when i'd look on in numbness, knowing the past few hours of compositions had turned into nothing more than a memory. that i'd easily forget the next day. and me being the me who gives in to setbacks, removed the headphones and reunited myself with the world around me.
there they were going about the usual drama, and i tried not to make a sound as i walked past the dining room to my room. closed the door, msged my bro, and started studying for o's.
that was the first night daddy grabbed his keys and walked out the house.

i thought we'd left all those memories in the old house. that we could start afresh here.
but no. it's been a slippery downslide since may. and all i can do is watch. smile. prepare.

i dont encourage penting up emotions.
and i'd be more than happy to comfort my sad friends.
to share the love, happiness that i cant really share anywhere else.
but when people emo to hurt others. i feel sick.
dadass gets mad, as if he just wants to see the skies turn colour at the snap of his fingers.
as if he's testing the control he has over the family's emotions. checking to see if he still held the reins to our worry, sadness, fear.
i tell you one day i'll really start that business that we girls in church have been planning to. and i'll earn enough to take up judo, and i'll grow a fist big enough to send you to the other end of the world. watch out okay, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

but.
quite unexplainably
some of my friends do have the power to make me really happy.
to make me find myself smiling over nothing in particular. lol. but i dont think they know.
i'm actually quite afraid that one day, people around me will realise that i'm not the perpetually crappy pam they know. and they'll be too tired to want to know what lies beneath the crappy exterior.

truth is, if i failed all my exams i wouldn't cry, if music was taken away from me i wouldn't die.
cos i'm a simple person.
i just want God's love to be shared in a circle that includes me.
and i want my friends to be happy.
that's all there is to know.
i have no reason to make myself any more intruiging. lol.

and alan, if you're reading. are you happy i put ur name in a blog that nobody reads! muaha.
thanks,
dont skive on sleep,
and get well soon (:

nobody needs to see me sad.

2006-10-30T23:33:00.000+08:00

less intellectual, and seriously screwed up.
today. i took a good look at my reflection in the window.
stared. scrutinized. cocked my head to one side.
and realised, oh dear. i could barely recognise myself.
today i was late for pw meeting cos i had lunch with my brother.
to talk.
about daddy ill treating mummy and mummy being sick of her whole life.
and daddy's materialism. misogynism. egoshit. all that
and him. whether he could really move away to the hostel room saf's giving him.

i used to have the capacity to swallow all this shit. forget all this nonsense. and enjoy myself at school. i used to be able to bring joy to others as well as myself, in the process.
but now, it's all a fascade. my life's a play. i'm a riot, but i myself am not amused. i dont know what's beneath the person i should otherwise be laughing with. i dont know her motive, her purpose. her loves. her hates. whether she really is as happy as she looks.
i dont. and this sucks like no shit you'd ever imagine. when you don't know who you are.

yesterday i passed my school tie to my maid.
ate berlyn, could you help me wash this? i want it to smell like softsil.
i thought, since when i last washed the tie it didn't take more than 5 minutes, so she being the pro and everything would have it ready in a day. but today when i asked if i could use it tomorrow she said no, she had been too busy.
so i said, that's okay then i'll wash it myself. but she followed me all the way to the kitchen protesting, me refusing, she grabbing the tie, me saying it's okay give it come on, she yanking the tie away.
i mean seriously, it's just a tie for pete's sake. a screwed up tie with no life. let it rest.
and finally after she got the tie and told me to go do my own thing, i went back to my room.
then my mom stormed in and said. look at how you treat us. now she's crying, are you happy?
I MEAN, GOD. WTF?
how you treat US??! WHAT? US? WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?
and WHAT THE HECK DID I DO TO MAKE HER CRY? STEAL HER PRECIOUS LAUNDRY?
!??!(%$##*^&$#@!
i bet it wasn't even the tie's fault. it was just stupid asshole and all the mayhem but she couldn't say anything about it, and finally when the poor tie crossed her path she couldn't take it no more and blasted it with all her fire.
tell me this isn't what you consider majorly screwed. because if it is then i dont know what to term what i'm gonna say next.
recently, my dad's been like, the world's biggest imbecile. my mother has to serve his every mediocre need. unlock the door, wait up for him while he emo at east coast cos he didn't bring the key, listen to him scold her even if it's the rice cooker's fault for cooking rice so slowly.
this one really wth. she go toilet halfway also must come out and listen to what he wants next.
i seriously don't want to get married. what are the odds? they might all turn into daddies when they grow up. i dont want to have to come out of the toilet halfway to serve a temporarily and conveniently disabled asshole.
i'll break 2903817263 hearts, then i'll die an old happy hag.

i cant stand life anymore.
God, why are you so busy even for me. look at my life. LOOK. AT ME. WHAT IS THIS ):
why are you letting me hide behind this act i dont want to hide behind.
why did you let me into this family. where i do nothing but make my mom cry. make my dad scream and almost crash the car. make my maid think i dont care.

i pray. i talk to You. and halfway i look up to the sky, and wonder if you're even hearing me.
what do i mean to You, God?
do i mean nothing to You, too?
did You feel my sorrow when rachel made fun of the brownie i stayed up till 4am to make?
i bet You didn't.
or i wouldn't be in this state now. looking down on the sand around me, seeing just one lonely pair of footprints.

what?!
WHAT?!!
HAVE I BEEN PRAYING WRONGLY?
WHAT DID I DOOOOOOOO???!@#$#@%$#@&^%$#@#$

sigh.

lesser still

2006-08-12T21:03:00.000+08:00

you're all alone.
surrounded by complete darkness.
and you're sick, so sick of yourself.
you feel like talking to someone
someone who'll help you find the you that you were before
someone who understands who you want to be
someone who doesn't blame you because you're back to the useless piece of shit you were before you discovered what you want to be.
but as you look around
you see nobody.
you feel nobody.
you know nobody who'll fill that void.

the return of a less intellectual me.

2006-02-18T22:31:00.000+08:00

i return from my 3 month hiatus with unpolished vocabulary, a foamy perspective and a brain that has shrunk dramatically in size.
and this is precisely the reason why for the last one megaquallion entries i have been trying so earnestly to put it through to all you loyal, undying, and non existent readers that study puts meaning in your lives. don't you realise that we all have been encased in this educational deception that studying is as customary a practice in our lives as a routine visit to the toilet? let us look a microscopic nanometer beyond the tip of our noses today, and review what we have been trained to believe about the current meaning of our lives.
hmm?
we live to study, we study to work, we work to retire, and we retire to die.
and we study for a gargoylic span of almost 20 years, which amounts to approximately one fourth of our lives, not considering the possibility that we might accidentally trip and fall off the face of the earth from time to time due to unforseen circumstances such as a viral disease or chemical explosions or falling asteroids..
so during this entire agonizing period of 20 years, the immaculate rate of absorption of knowledge is inversely proportional to the magnitude of time (and energy) spent on understanding (and evaluating) the rationale behind the need for this relentless pursuit of knowledge.
simply put, we study so periliously that we barely have time to look back and question, why am i so mad over study? so now, our subconsciousness take over our opinions that concern the stress incurred from this period of derilious study.
some suddenly decide to study for study's sake. mournfully they stare at their books, and eventually they sit down and swallow everything, only to throw everything back up at the exam hall, leaving the hall with enough space in their brains to temporarily swallow the next bulk of knowledge required for the subsequent exam. it's a viscious cycle they face. eat, throw up, eat, throw up... until they finally graduate from university and find work, where they'll continue to chew up (their colleuges) and spit them out (in their quest to rise within their company's hierarchy). these seemingly bulimic people are better known as The Pelican Men.
some others inadvertently get attached to studying. they have it easier than The Pelican Men. see, the first quarter of their lives only consist of two main activities:
1. studying
2. feeling sad that they're not studying
i will not elaborate on the latter subset, as enough elaboration has been constructed from the day i started to exist.
i'm currently in the transitional 2nd activity, engaging act of feeling sad that i'm not studying.
so i am here today to set down resolutions that will be instrumental towards my survival of the following two study years of my life. academics are apparently not intense in sajc, but i'm aspiring to instigate intensity within my circle of Intense Study Pursuers.
hey, i'm serious okay. i'm going to read the news/money section of The Straits Times everyday, confine myself to the library between breaks to explore the breathtaking world of textbooks and redspot collection, and devote my saturdays towards formulating study techniques for the newly introduced subjects such as economics and gp.
yeah man.
i am not going to be swayed by the lackadaisical waves of relaxation, or dampened by the blankets of sluggishness. i am going to dig a deeper foundation from where i left off last year, and resurface the drive for excellence that i have unfortunately misplaced during the three month long vacation that i have wrongfully indulged in.
i will not screw my a's! IWNSMAs! (:
-
i'm drifting. i'm working on living my life as a living testimony for Him.
but sometimes i do some things that make me feel so bad.
in the morning i pray He'll guide me; use me and draw me near in his will.
and during the day i just sit back and watch people bitch.
each time i walk past morning worship, it gets easier.
but when i reflect, i want so bad for God to be proud of a child like me.
then i remember these things and realise, i'll never be worthy of His love no matter how good i am. still, i'll try. and i will be proud of myself someday.
keep your chin up, girl. and remember to clean that window after you smear your face on it.

spoilt brat

2005-10-06T22:03:00.000+08:00

i have got this sinking feeling. my hair is frazzled, my nose is wrinkled.
my eyebrows are perpetually conjoined, and i seem to have dupped my face in blusher.
why do i look so devastatingly different? let me enlighten you:
i am filled to the brim with irritability. i am irked by the rough combustion of unleaded petrol in speeding ahpekmotorcycles, the fish drinking so much water, sajc's report on today(yesterday), the square loudspeakers, the scratchy new towels, torn rubberbands, songs ringing in my head.....
it's horribly tragic that i feel like strangling the computer for making THAT LOUD SOUND while it starts.
and it was worrying that i managed to stay squirming in my chair for some gazillion eons, while staring at the cooked pineapples. my parents finally gave me a look to tell me to act my age.
and i did.
on the surface.
and on the inside, i was praying that all the poor vitamins and minerals wouldn't feel wasted. how more insensitive can we get? cooking pineapples. that's probably as good as microwaving my brain. how could people be so inadequately trained to prepare savoury delights that barely nourish the body? senseless. eat dietary fibre, egest dietary fibre.
what do you absorb? water. then why don't we just put a tap in our mouths and get our dinner settled that way?
GIVE MY MOM A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.
...
i think i sound like a spoilt monkey in this blog. i'm sorry, i have no where else to choochoo my pent up emotions. (wahh. so drama) so tormented and shattered, i find this a place of solace, a calm and peaceful place to voice my woes and concerns, and to discover the sweetness that lies behind yet another layer of vicariousness.
ROARR. MORE DRAMA.
i'm gonna sleep la. the pillows will be ripped to shreds by tomorrow.
happy returns.