; balance lost

Saturday, December 30, 2006 @10:49 AM

No msn, no email access. :(

So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to Be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
(learn to be lonely-phantom of the opera)

Remember that empty feeling you'd get,
when you listen to sad songs,
or when someone hurts you by disregarding something you value very much.
when people go against their promises.
when you feel unimportant. unwanted. used. like you're the only one adapting.
or when you realise you've just done something very stupid, but there's no chance of bringing time back?
The powerless feeling of falling down a high storey building.. backwards.
The nerve-wrecking worry while waiting for all possible consequences to come true.
The frustration. The bitterness. Why couldn't you have had it any easier. Why you?
hmm.

I've come to change my perception.
It was something neutral, not empty.
It was a calmed power, not powerlessness.
It was a rational, albeit frantic, internal preparation. So when the consequences did come true, we wouldn't have to be shocked by the element of surprise in addition to everything else.
And life without frustration or bitterness, will just be life on happy pills- unfeeling.

Maybe our hormonal fluctuations are the cause of this needless feeling of emptiness. Cos as we grow up we learn to feel more. And we value feeling more. And as the extremes of our "windscreen" of feeling widens, it just feels a lot relative to our initial ideal. In actual fact, we have a lot more sad and a lot more happy grow into. So there's no point fretting so much now when we feel sad. Just feel, and let go. Write it down, and dont remember. Read it sometime when you're older, and laugh like a spastic about how stupid you once were.

Pam is mean. Pam is a bad girl. i knowww. :(
But this isn't insensitivity, just reality.

Sometimes i really do get carried away and forget to be sensitive.
When i think back about it, I feel really bad.
Sorry okay.

The past 3 days, I've been spending time with a group of grown up people who listen to nothing but emo music. Me, being a sufferer of Acute Hormone Fluctuatingitis (AHFs), was very much affected for a while.
But i guess that blue feeling doesn't just intensify exponentially. It reaches an all time low, and then there's the break. and the realisation. the maturity.

HAHA. i just had to add the last one.

OKAY anyways. I was at a chocolate factory for the past 3 days. Msn trains typing skills, so i finished most of my work really fast. So she let me run up to the college from time to time to make chocolates with AuntyWendy, their resident chef aka eh-dont-call-me-shifu-i'll-feel-old.
Firstly, we made prallines. liquorchocs, rochers, grand merriers. ((:
Secondly, we made figurines.
Thirdly, i made something big and brown for a small and white person. HAHA.
Lastly, I've learnt how to make and use a traditional piping bag.

But after making all that, I didn't feel like eating a lot.
As the chef puts it "already assured the quality is there what. if i'd eaten all my work you wont fit into this room with me."
Some abit irresistable.
Starting from the abitscrewedup one with white chocolate in the middle, moving clockwise.
rum and raisin, orange coveture, almond slices with dark choco coating, hazelnut and champagne, and grand merrier.
All the spirits not bought in singapore one. Haaaahaha. I exploit resources? No la this is all part of research okay.

And nutrition, i guess. :|
The hazelnut one was quite pretty, and easy to make.

Swishy Swirly (:
Was browsing through my photos and i saw something random.
nicholas did this to his pattaya rice in band camp:

That kid. hahahaha.
Okay this is it. Happy new year. (:

cos now the world feels small beneath your feet
and all the stars above are only just out of reach
when you feel you're alive for the very first time
and there's nothing that you can rise above
that's when you know
that you're kinda deluded.