Wednesday, November 01, 2006 @12:28 PM
brace yourselves, for journey you'll forget the minute it ends.
welcome onboard The Comical Train.
still remember the days they let me isolate myself with my instrument.
it was the the power of a pair of headphones, that kept me completely disjointed from the world for as long as i kept them on.
and there i'd sit, planting little towgays on manuscripts and arranging sequence after sequence. 'preparing my festival pieces.'
yah right.cant believe they were fooled, especially since they'd already seen me perform next yr's piece in public. but maybe they weren't. maybe all along, it's just been waiting.
an hour ago, i was walking around the house looking for something to busy my hands with.
there's a lot more to do. pictures to hang up. boxes to unpack. but how would i know what goes where? heck i cant even drill straight to save the world. so i looked at its keys, and wondered if my fingers still had the life in them.
i haven't lost it, but the diskdrive is dead. so i cant continue my work anymore.
truth is, that doesn't really mean a thing to me. since i withdrew myself from music school out of disinterest.
but as i sat there staring at the diskdrive blinking "eRRoR" at every poor diskette put in, i recollected one of those days, when the blinking used to catch me by surprise. when i'd look on in numbness, knowing the past few hours of compositions had turned into nothing more than a memory. that i'd easily forget the next day. and me being the me who gives in to setbacks, removed the headphones and reunited myself with the world around me.
there they were going about the usual drama, and i tried not to make a sound as i walked past the dining room to my room. closed the door, msged my bro, and started studying for o's.
that was the first night daddy grabbed his keys and walked out the house.
i thought we'd left all those memories in the old house. that we could start afresh here.
but no. it's been a slippery downslide since may. and all i can do is watch. smile. prepare.
i dont encourage penting up emotions.
and i'd be more than happy to comfort my sad friends.
to share the love, happiness that i cant really share anywhere else.
but when people emo to hurt others. i feel sick.
dadass gets mad, as if he just wants to see the skies turn colour at the snap of his fingers.
as if he's testing the control he has over the family's emotions. checking to see if he still held the reins to our worry, sadness, fear.
i tell you one day i'll really start that business that we girls in church have been planning to. and i'll earn enough to take up judo, and i'll grow a fist big enough to send you to the other end of the world. watch out okay, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
but.
quite unexplainably
some of my friends do have the power to make me really happy.
to make me find myself smiling over nothing in particular. lol. but i dont think they know.
i'm actually quite afraid that one day, people around me will realise that i'm not the perpetually crappy pam they know. and they'll be too tired to want to know what lies beneath the crappy exterior.
truth is, if i failed all my exams i wouldn't cry, if music was taken away from me i wouldn't die.
cos i'm a simple person.
i just want God's love to be shared in a circle that includes me.
and i want my friends to be happy.
that's all there is to know.
i have no reason to make myself any more intruiging. lol.
and alan, if you're reading. are you happy i put ur name in a blog that nobody reads! muaha.
thanks,
dont skive on sleep,
and get well soon (:
