Sunday, October 02, 2005 @8:00 PM
i never did like books. but i didn't dwell upon that opinion as i studied, just so that revision could be productive.
and so towards and through prelims, the whole i hate to study thing just slipped away, and i began to depend upon studying to power my circle of life.
and now that prelims are over, and we're all not stressing each other up about how many revision cycles we've been through, i feel strangely disoriented.
as if we were suddenly stopped from exercising. or breathing. or anything that we do so often, almost subconsciously. it's like, you never know how good it is to twiddle your thumbs until you have no thumbs.
ok, so that was a bad example. but how else can i put it? i feel horrible when we're not all balding together, or when we're not talking about the last paper we had, or when we're not freaking out because we risk not getting a full score for an mcq paper.
plus we're between prelims and the getting back our results time of our lives, which technically means we're stuck in the time between stress and well, stress. and this whole laid back transition period is driving me completely insane.
somehow i'm feeling edgy maybe cos i'm immensely guilty about not studying, or that my desk is not in order, and that my files are piled up on it and not opened to a certain exercise to learn from, neatly laid in rows on the floor for easy reference. come to think of it, i hate that my room looks "unstudied". it just looks so unfamiliar and so very, very alien. incidentally my parents have stopped doing weird things to drive us up the wall, and my brother is back encouraging me to take some time off to rest and jam on the xbox and everything.
and my classmates are not worrying over doing an assignment in half the time allocated, or even in the same day! the pressure that built up so suddenly during prelims due to both studies and the family has just fallen away in the blink of an eye, and this whole sudden laid back thing is driving me up the wall!
do i sound deranged to you. like an ostracized study geek or something.
cos i pretty well feel the same way. but i couldn't possibly go up to any of my friends and blurt out these things that are floating on the surface of my thoughts, like pond scum.
it's probably just dirt, or rust, and hopefully it will be reduced away by some naturally occuring reducing agent. hEY maybe lightning will strike and combine the nitrogen in the air with the oxygen constituents in rust, and then we'll get pure iron that doesn't bind so readily to my brain, making my thoughts so rusty and warped.
okay, so i admit i'm a nutcase, that doesn't help in getting rid of the still thick layer of scum on the surface of my thoughts.
HELPPPPPP.
GOD HELP ME, I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE.
but if its Your will, i guess i'm not.
i'm losing it. dont come find me i'm not suicidal.
yet.
